You need to know. I can't write this next entry without you getting confused. I must tell you. It's only the first day of this diary and I thought...well, maybe I'd never have to bring it up. Why does it always seems that your past never leaves and continues to haunt you long after you thought you were safe somewhere else?

recap:
Four months ago I lived in Lees Summit, Missouri, in a yellow house with a red door. A huge front lawn and a small backyard that resembled a jungle. I attended an all-girls college prep school (Notre Dame de Sion) with walls the color of colgate toothpaste and lockers so small they blend into the wall. I came home to a brother and a sister who were more like close friends to me. I had friends that I would spend every day with and a boyfriend that loved me endlessly. I was happy.

Now, I live in St. Charles, IL, an hour away from Chicago, in a stone/brick house and I don't remember the color of the door. I have a massive lawn 2x's larger than my old one. A backyard with a deck 50X50 ft to match the pool. I have a backyard that is 10x's the size of my front lawn. I go to a school, St. Charles North, that's 1 mile long and 1/2 wide with two gyms, lockers as 6 feet tall, and an indoor pool. I come home everyday to no brother and sister. I don't have friends up here and my boyfriend and his kisses are 550 miles away. I'm unhappy.

I had to get that out.

kuya (brother) and ate (sister):
I miss my syblings. And it's hard losing "everlasting friends" as I call them. That is what my syblings are to me, everlasting friends. Friends with you since the day you were born. They live at your house and eat with you during meal times. They come into your room and use your things. And we all spend hours upon hours just talking. Everlasting friends. My sister left to go to college and I went with her to go unpack at her dorm. I did not want to say Good-bye or help her pack or unpack, for that matter. I did not want to stare at the picture on her desk or look at her new computer. I didn't want to see her leave. I came home and the house was quiet. Imagine the youngest child who grew up with a brother and sister who were more like friends to her, being alone. I would wake up and I wouldn't hear laughter. My voice has gone strange with the less use. And often times when I watch, family guy, I find myself in the room alone laughing. I'm alone a lot now. Since my parents were 'reunited,' they've been going out. They invite me places but it's not the same without my brother or sister. I have no desire to get up. I sit at home and I read and watch t.v and that's all there is to it. I am afraid now to be alone. Sometimes, even no matter how angry I get with my parents for what's happening to me up here, I cry because I do not want them to leave. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to leave the house either.

my new school:
The first day of school no one talked to me even after I tried to say hello. I got lost and no one helped me (not even the teachers). Whenever we had to pick partners I was the last one picked. Whenever we had a class assignment I was in the back. I walked the massive halls by myself and got trampled on every time. And at lunch I sat at a dirty table by myself with no one to sit by or talk to and I was too confused to go to through the lunch line so I went hungry all day. I was about to cry on my first day of school as I was sitting by myself because I was thinkin', "Damn, I'd be having a good lunch if I were at Sion with my friends. Even if I didn't have that $20 in my pocket. I'd give up everyday havin' that $20 buck in my pocket for lunch if I could just go back." I came home from my first day of school crying in the bathtub for two hours because I know what the rest of my best years in highschool are going to be like. The second of school I did not attend. I cried all night and barely slept. The next morning, I cried with knowledge I had to go back and my parents came in to my room, to my wails, and I begged them not to let me go. Finally, after my crying became hysterical and my pleading desperate, they obliged. But they command I must go the next day and so I said I would. They lectured for an hour about how I cannot do this, about the person I was, the person Sion made me, was not good because I was not strong enough to face it. They said it didn't matter that those people treated me that way or ignored me because other people don't matter. I understand what they say. I do. I truly understand. But I will not oblige.

presently (today):
I have been going to school for the past month or so. I could only skip four days. School hasn't changed for me and everyday I find myself in a daze laughing silently to myself pretending I'm back where I belong. Going to my old school to have fun with my friends, coming home to a whole family, and holding my boyfriend. I'm going crazy. I'm driving my parents crazy. We are all crazy.

I had to let this all out right now. I haven't fought with my parents since the second week of school, where I gave up, because I finally realized how broken I was. I didn't want to give up my fight of going back but I didn't know how I could continue to go on everyday fighting for 6 hours straight with my parents.

The past month has been silent. I don't know say much, smile sometimes, to please them. I can't recall the last time I've been to the dinner table, it feels wrong without my brother and sister.

But now, just tonite, I remember exactly what that burning anger felt like. My mom came into the computer telling me to call my brother's friend's house (where he is staying at. I moved but he stayed to complete his senior year at his school) and ask him about whether or not he has left for St. Louis (because we're going to meet him there tomorrow) and I didn't feel like calling his friend or talking to his friend at the moment so I told her no. She flipped anal-shit and stormed out of the room. I played nonchalant, she always get bitchy. I could hear her complaining about me to my Dad, she always does that, which is why I didn't think anything of it. 15 minutes later, my Dad stormed into the room and yelled at me for not doing what my mom said. I was like, "Whatever." I don't know how it escalated, but you forget after the heat of the moment. "She's worthless. She's the worse possible daughter. She only uses us. I wish she wasn't our daughter. I want her to leave. Leave." I came out with blood in my mouth from my cheek and anger that left marks on my heart. I wish I could tell you fully how I feel. I wish I could tell you details about what's been going on. My parents weren't out of line, in some cases, I am a bad daughter. The fact that I'm spoiled and hurt, doesn't add up to me being a good daughter, it adds up to me being the worse possible.

Maybe I deserve the bleeding of the inside of my cheek.