Major bi-polar issues. It's craz-azy. I'm such an effed up chick.

My parents left early this morning, around six, to go to this conference. They won't be back until late tonight, around 12:00. Just like last night.

They woke me up early this morning to tell me that they were leaving. I woke up around 8:30 and I didn't get out of bed until 1:30. I didn't see any reason to get up any earlier. There's nothing to do because I don't have friends here. The silence is unbearble when my parents are home and when they're not...it's enough to make me go mad. I hear the silence all around the house, as I do now, and I can't help but feel so alone. When I finally got out of bed, I turned my stereo up so loud that it bounced off every wall in the house. Artifical sound. I have to make up for the silent nostalgia.

I always go a little crazy when I'm alone. I usually blank out and when I touch things I get extra senstive. As soon as I walk by something or touch it for an instant, I have a memory of it. Today, while I was sitting up in my bed I took off my glasses because they were fogging up with the tears. And as soon as I lifted my hand to take it off my face; I felt it, a memory rushed back to me. The moment where I first got these glasses. My brother and sister were there helping me pick it out in the little eye glasses store beside the optometrist. I just remembered them. It hurts a lot. And I don't know what to do.

You see, I have this old couch that we got when we first moved to Kansas City from Philedelphia. It's so soft and my brother and I use to sleep on it b/c we didn't like sleeping up stairs in our own bedrooms. I know it's stupid, but it hurts just to sit there. The ironic part is that I only stay in places in the house that are most familiar to me, so not sleeping on those couches are strange. I guess it's just when I wake up I see a completely different fire place and I'm not sure if I'm okay with that. I miss my old fire place. The new computer room is similar to the old one in my old house; it is where I spend most of my time. I pretend I'm not where I am, that way it doesn't ache so much. Being some place familiar makes me forget the hurt. In my old house, I never really slept in my room, but I sleep in it all the time now, because it is more familiar to me, because I wake up with my face in my pillow, that is familiar. My pillow. And that is what makes it okay rather than sleeping on the couch that I use to sleep on. I have to numb the pain somehow. I pretend and that is how I do it. I just pretend.

Odditian: My head is numb... I hate not thinking..
m a y 0487: I haven't been able to think for ages.
m a y 0487: I think I'm broken.
Odditian: Super Glue fixes everything :-)
m a y 0487: I need to find it first.

And I am finally seeing
That I was the one worth leaving
~the postal service

Air. Clouds. Breathe.

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