Sleeping in until 11:00 makes me think
Geeze, it's 11:00 and I just woke up. I haven't slept in this late since God knows when, probably the summer. It's strange to wake up this late because now I feel lethargic and the drowsiness that comes with sleeping too much has caused me hallucinations again. I got up from the couch, yes I slept there, OH! Maybe that's why I slept so much, it felt like home... anyway, as I got up from the from the couch to go to the bathroom, I heard someone say, 'Eh, May May!" and I thought it was my brother so I turned around just in time to remember that I am home alone again and that my brother is still in Lees Summit, 550 miles away.
That is the last time I'm sleeping there again, it's too much to remember.
I've had a four day weekend and I've spent it alone, all alone. I often wonder what's wrong with myself because I've always been great at making friends. I've been told that I can make people feel welcome when they want to runaway as badly as I do right now. I've been told that I have that sort of personality that draws people to me. I've been told that I am the person that they come to when they have no one else despite the fact that they don't know me that well. I've been told. That's not enough, is it? How do I get told that again? Where is it okay to be enough? When did I stop being this person?
I came back to Lees Summit about 3 weeks ago, to go to my boyfriends Homecoming at his school, Rockhurst (all boys school, ha!). Since I went to an all girls school, Sion, it's sort of brother/sister school so people find their dates or boyfriends from my school as well as other schools. I was bombarded by practically every Sion girl there. Everyone came screaming, running up to me, hugging me and not letting go for a good minute. They were jumping up and down asking how 'Chicago' was. Scott got really annoyed but he was patient because he knew this was going to happen.Every five paces that we took to the right or to the left, I was attacked by someone else. God, it felt so good to have people like me again. I felt so loved, it just came naturally. Leaving was hard. I saw my old house, my old streets, my friends, my boyfriend, and my brother. I stayed with my brother during that weekend. He took me to the airport and he showed me something that he wrote for school. He had to write an essay about someone that he remembers. He choose to write about me. It was a great essay. The first memory he started off was when were in the phillipines, then continued to go from there with every funny memory, until the end that is. He wrote about my grandparent's 50th anniversary which was September 14 of this year, which was about a month and a half ago. I spent 4 days with my entire family. And the day we had to leave, I started to cry right before I got into the car. The tears just started flowing when my brother and sister hugged me good-bye. I miss them so much all the time. I hate being in this lonely house without them. He finished the essay, with saying 'Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got until it's gone?' by the Counting Crows, Big Yellow Taxi. He ended with, 'It's hard growing up with someone and spending every waking moment, and every great memory with someone and they're not anymore. My sister is my best friend and what's going on in our family is not right but something we have to go through.' When I finished I was crying and I looked up, sitting in that hard airport chair, and saw my brother because he was crying too. That weekend I went to homecoming was great because reminded that people missed me the exact same way I missed them and the pain of being alone is not in vain because I know that I am loved. It was so nice, real nice.
The next day I had to go to school and when no talked to me, I just sat there for a while and I was so happy and so sad at the same time. I still had that adrenaline that drifted over the from the weekend. I was loved and that it didn't matter that these people talking right beside, cracking jokes, don't even notice that I am there. At the same the same time though, it hurt to know that that love was 550 miles away. But at least I am loved.
I'm just a mirror of what I once was.
Look for me behind trees,
my shadow takes over me
