I know it's stupid but all I can think about are the stupid things right now because they're bothering me. I met this one kid into screamo, he seemed nice, a little highstrung, totally deprived of social acceptability, we talked about suicide, I hope he doesn't kill himself, because during our conversation it seemed like I was egging him on. What kind of person am I? I'm irritated that I can't find my favorite books, because I want to read. I'm irritated that I'm not going out tonight. I'm irritated that I won’t sit by anyone tomorrow at the PSATs, like last year when I had friends. I'm irritated that there's nothing good to eat in the house. I'm so bothered by everything. And I'm hurt too. So very hurt. I'm irritated that I'm so lazy I can’t even bring myself to bang my head on a wall. I'm irritated that I failed a test today. I'm irritated because I probably pissed of someone who could have been my friend. I'm hurt that my parents aren't talking to me. I'm hurt that no one is tangibly here for me. I'm hurt that I'm fucked up to the point of non-erasiblity. I’m irritated that I just used a word that’s not even a word, erasibility.

I feel bad for that guy that I was talking to...because he called me emo. And I haven't been called emo before since I moved here. And I don’t know when I started becoming 'emo,' just because of the music I listen to? And I'm not sure if this is good or bad. I know what emo is. But it has good and bad connotation. And I wonder why I can't just be 'May'. And I know I never will fit into that emo group. Even if I tried. Because emo people believe in clothes and appearance too. But I care about a lot of things beside music. I care about my education and fairytales. And I have a good part of me that loves fairytales.

I want to know where my favorite books have gone. Then it makes me think of Barnes and Nobles. And how much I just want to get away, even if it just two miles to a store. Then I think about how I could never really get away because I'm too afraid of change. Then I think about how I could get there if I tried. And then I remember I don't really know how to drive even though I have my license. I'm in drivers ed. because of some sort of twisted law in Illinois about taking that class.

And then I feel stupid for not minding so much because it is drivers ed and I don't understand my fear of athleticism and why it should be a fear at all. And then I think about how I could be driving on my Lees Summit roads. Like I've wanted to ever since I thought about independence. Independence.

Independence reminds of that word in one of my tests today in psychology class also known as autonomy. And then I think of US History, fourth hour last year, because that is the first time I knew the definition and understood it. Then I think of Sion and then my sophomore year. And all these memories come rushing back.

And I get light headed. And now I have to sit down and not move. That way I can see and breathe again without it hurting.

Then I’m talking to Jace, and he says, “If this world was perfect... Then it wouldn't exist…You cannot live without feeling pain…The more the pain the more you live…And life is pain, no matter what anyone tells you…” And then I think about how he knows I already know that. Then I remember that he’s saying that just say something, to get this conversation going instead of me just talking and rambling about what I’m irritated and hurt about.

And then I think about who really likes talking to me or If I'm really worth it. Or I'm not.

Because I remember everything people say. I remember yesterday the guy in chemistry said, "You don't fit it in," And I remember telling my boyfriend that later that night about what that boy said. And my boyfriend reminding me that it was true and I knew it. And that it shouldn't matter. And it doesn't. And I just forget sometimes. And then I remember when I could remember everything. And I wonder if anyone remembers what I say. And why I can't remember much these days. And why I always put it out of my head. Why I can't take thoughts the way I use to. And all this thinking makes me hungry. And I'm irritated all over again. Stupid things, I'm just rambling on about stupid things.

every line is about who I don’t wanna write about anymore
hope you come down with something they cant diagnose
they'll have the cure for holding on to your grudge
oh its so hard to have someone to love
keeping quiet is hard
cause you cant keep a secret
if it was never was a secret to start
at least pretend you didn’t wanna get caught
~brand new

Air. Clouds. Breathe.

Last Next