Just as Broken
It took a breath for me to have the blood rush back throughout my body; I can't move, then at the moment, at that moment when I breathed in front of you, you left when I needed you most.
I rememeber that smile that you left on portraits engraved in my wall. Thank you. Thank you.
I woke up and I realized that I wasn't who I said I was; everything you said was true. I looked in the mirror for so long and I saw shapes. Not beatiful not distorted. Just shapes and lots of them. I'm losing my mind to shapes and the mirror, the taste of metal in my mouth, and to the sunday brunches that I don't have anymore. I remember the taste of pancakes and syrup. The simplicity was mesmerizing; it kept me as young as possible. So where did you all go? Don't you miss sitting around the table like a family? You can eat the last piece of bacon; I promise. Are we playing hide-and-seek? Am I 'it'? This is a long game and I'm tired; does anyone else want to be the leader? Yes, let's follow the leader. Follow me. Follow me.
Blasphemy? Where did my faith go? Poured into black ink for a paper in English class written on Faustus. Who did I blame? God. Why did I blame him? How could I? What kind of Catholic am I? I'm bad. I'm so bad...
Where did my bible go? When did the words become as difficult to understand just like the French coming out from my French teacher. Je voudrais... We learn from a red book everyday and I try and pay attention but I think about what her life was like and why she is such a strict woman and what it would be like for her to be my mother. If she would be the kind of mother that every daughter wants. But she is barely a teacher that any student wants. It is not possible. I have a class of 9; no one wants her. I feel bad for her now; maybe I would be a good mother to her. Maybe then she wouldn't be such a bad teacher. I hope I'm good enough for that. I hope my child will love me unconditionally and blindly; if she knew me, she would leave and I wouldn't have a daughter. If my daughter was like me, I know I did something wrong.
Will I ever be just as you want me to be? Will you hold my hand and kiss my lips until we are glued together? Wait, don't leave. Wait for me, I need to get my coat. Where are we going? As long as I'm with you, I belong. It's taking forever to write this, to feel this, I'm broken. My one talent has avaded me as everyone that I have loved has gone. They left too; just the way my talent and my breath has. This is me trying; I never thought I'd have to try. Why should I try? I'm trying to please you. I hate this already. Hate me, that way we'll be even. Just like the boxes on a checker board set. Games, I like games. Play me. I'll win. Try me. Feel this. You can't get any better. Breathe.
Just as broken as you found me.