Rescue
I spent this weekend alone as I usually do. Please, don't pity me; that's just annoying. Yesterday was my school's homecoming and I know tomorrow is going to be a gossip day; I can't wait.
I got into a fight with my parents, the ugly kind, the bad kind. And although I need someone to listen, even if it just a diary, or people who have no idea who I am, I'd like to say what happened. To have someone listen to my side. And it doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter anymore. I'm a bad daughter and that's all there is to it. Right? Right.
I'm reading Wuthering Heights ...I can't help but think that true love exists and whether or not I'm missing out.
My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries, and I watched and felt each from the beginning: my great thought in living is himself. If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a might stranger: I should not seem a part of it. ...I am Heathcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being.
~Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte
I'm listening to
'Bulimic Beats' by Catatonia
There is something eerie and beautiful about this song that I just can't get out of my head. And I know you all don't care because no one really knows them and I think they split up. But there's something painful about it that moves me.I treat him like a lady
I treat him as I would he unto me
Give Rose rose-seller a run for her money
With silicone and poetry
But it's the end of me
~catatonia
And I do want you to listen. There is some part of me hoping that someone would just read this and rescue me and it doesn't matter if we ever meet. Because the fact that you exist means you're an angel. And I can have faith again. The blind kind.
This is a lot to hope for I know.
There's something that I can't put my finger on and I'm not sure if it is good or bad. I do know it has something to do with me. I know that it's altering me as a person and I must find it.
There is a part of me that is dying and I have to find out what that is, to see if it is worth saving.
I just keep thinking that someone will remember how much they love me, realize how much they could love me, and just rescue me. Because I'm worth saving. I'm just worth it. Right?
Air. Clouds. Breathe.