But you're here right now and that's all that matters. So listen.

I feel nothing.

Do you understand that? It's not callousness or indifference, like you all might think it is, or describe it as. I've felt those emotions before, and I know them all too well. And that's not it.

I'm not so happy
I'm not so sad

I'm at this equilibruim. I've said I've been happy and sad before at the same time, but dear God, I never explained like this or felt it like this. When I said "I'm happy and I'm sad at the same time" before, I was lying. Because right now is the true epitome of what's like to feel both at the exact same level.

It's hard to say how I'm feeling because it's nothing. I'm trying to explain something that many people have not felt, and if they have, they've never tried explaining because it's unexplainable, and they themshelves didn't know what they were feeling.

50/50

I'm at this moment where everything feels exactly the same. If you rip out my heart or give me the world, it would all feel the same to me. Do you understand? I can't put it into words, this is even harder than trying to explain love. It's nothing. I can't feel. Do you understand? It's like a frostbite but it doesn't hurt. It's like I'm trying explain color to a person who was born blind.

I think I knew this long before I stated it here, and for some reason just denied it. I started this diary, to feel something, anything whether it be pain or happiness, just as long as it was something. Maybe I could bring forth that part of me that I lost and I could discover in the one way I knew myself as, and I was proud to be, a writer.

I've lost myself and it doesn't hurt me the way it use to, I'm forcing myself to hurt, 'cause that's who I was before, 'cause that's what I would have done. And still I'm that person, so when someone asks me who I am, I say who I was a year ago, even though I'm not, because I'm not taking the time to pause and actually pay attention. When someone asks me something, I would respond in an 'out of the box' answer or in some profound way, that would make me appear much older than I really was. I remember being this way for as I long as I've had an opinion. And now...now, I just respond, 'I don't know,' like some commoner, 'cause I really don't know anymore and it really doesn't matter. I'm serious.

When I look at the sky, I think to myself what a pretty sky but it's not that pretty. When I think about life, I think life is great, but it's not that great. When I think to myself about love, I think it's amazing, but it's not that amazing. Do you understand?

And maybe I took adderal (borrowed by a friend) today, for the first time, to try and focus my feelings into something. To try and grab that solution.

It's weird because you could give me the world, or kill someone I love right now, and I'm not sure if I would feel. I think I'd be happy or sad, but not really. I'd only feel it because I know that I have to, because it is required. That's just sick. And I know it's sick because it is 'matter-of-fact,' and I think I'm forcing myself to feel that it is wrong, but the truth it is, I'm not bothered by it.

Maybe that's why I'm questioning my faith, maybe that's why I treat my parents the way I do, maybe that's why I think I'm falling out of love with the one person who brought me out of my depression. And I think, for some odd, effin reason, that it all boils down to him. I was reading my old diary, and I read an entry, and it relates to what I'm feeling, and finally verbalizing.

But I don't think I should give someone that much credit, because this, what your reading right now, I swear to you, is much more important than that. I wish I could try and reveal to you, how important it is, of what I just realized. But it's harder to explain than love...

Do you understand? Do you understand the importance of what I'm saying? ...but it's really not that important.