I rolled out of bed today and I just went to school and it was nice. I haven't done that since last year. I've started to put make-up on and care what I wore because I wanted to make friends, because I thought that maybe if I dressed a certain way someone would notice and say something about it, or talk to me, and I wouldn't have to sit by myself at lunch or spend every weekend in front of the T.V. And I know this wouldn't have happened because I've honestly not that naive. Believe me, I'm far from naive. And I know what people are truly like, and I know I wouldn't have been happy even if I did get friends that talked to me because of what I wore.

I just get jealous. Very jealous. Because I remember what it's like to have friends and to have fun on the weekends. And I hope you don't think I'm superficial for saying that. It's just I am young and I don't want to be deep anymore (which honestly, I am really am not), I don't want to be stuck with knowing more than I have to. I want to be that kid, that never knew what it was like to look at the world in a different light. I don't want to be that kid who felt things a little more, who kept her morals and that's why she won't cheat on a test, or steal something, or have a one-night stand. And I know deep down inside all of those things are wrong. But I feel just stuck.

Bored. Restless.

I'll do anything to feel something right now. To feel alive. I NEED THAT. I need to alive. I'm not sad or happy. Just nothing. I want to be that kid that cared about clothes, parties, and the latest gossip. I just want to have fun. LOTS OF IT. I don't want to grow up and look back on my years, hating my job, and wishing I could go back to these years so I could have fun and know that I didn't. I wouldn't be able to look back, like a lot of people, and know that these years were great. 'Cause they aren't.

And I hate myself a little bit for saying what I just did, because I know if I read someone else saying it, I'd think that person wasn't that deep at all, that they were just 'pretending,' and I wonder if that's what I am doing. Pretending.

I've failed at being me.

May0487: I've died, maybe not physically, but I most definetly don't feel alive.
sisgirl05: you're not dead, your just sleeping

I just need someone to wake me up. I need someone to make me feel something. I need someone to love me the way I love them, as passionately. I need them to revive the 'May' that once was so great, that could have been even better, amazing, wonderful, the 'May' that I know if you knew, you would love forever. Please, just wake me up. I don't want to feel dead anymore.

Air. Clouds. Breathe.

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