I Stayed Home From School Today
I stayed home from school today, which explains why it is 12:33 and I'm writing an entry in here.
I'm done.
Last night is a blur still as I try to recall in my recent memory what the words of everyone were. I spoke to so many people and it made my day incredible because I didn't feel alone, because I felt that love that I so ardently need right now.
DancnQueen1029: child, when are you coming back to ks to visit!
Wish4hope: I wish sometime soon!
DancnQueen1029: yea it better be soon
DancnQueen1029: I have a pic of you in my locker. It's a cute pic. I miss you! There are only 4 asians in the junior class!
DancnQueen1029: you have no idea how much I miss you
Wish4hope: It hurts not to be there.
DancnQueen1029: it hurts not having your locker next to mine and smelling the cheese-its from your locker!(I had about 5 different boxes of my cheez-its in my locker at a time; I'm in love with them)
Wish4hope:...that like hurt. it almost made me cry. 'cause i miss that kind of simple stuff all the time.
DancnQueen1029: that pic of you in my locker, it brightens my day like none other. you have no idea
DancnQueen1029: seriously no joke
Wish4hope: times like this, just save me. thank you, sincerely, kris, it means so..o much to me.
And I felt loved for a bit and it was great because I knew that everyone missed me as I missed them. And I know I somehow made an imprint and that's okay that I'm invisible here now, in my new school. And that is okay because I am still loved and that is all that matters.
I spoke to Kristin Fletcher, old old old... best friend from 5th grade, last night. I just called her up and I spoke to her and it was just like old times. I'll always remember her, no matter how old I get. She was my best friend as soon as I moved to Lees Summit, and sometimes, I just wish so hard, that maybe I'd find a Kristin here, but I guess I'm spoiled because that Kristin lives in Lees Summit and I moved away and there aren't many other Kristin's around. It's funny, if you think about it, how dear a relationship and then you forget, and you regret all the times that you could have spent together but never did. I met her in 5th grade and now we are Juniors. We reminisced and we thought out loud:
Where did the years go, Kris?
...I don't know. It's been so long. It's hard to remember that we were just were sitting on the playground and swinging and not really worrying about much.
I remember how I came over that one time and we took pictures, those goofy ones...
I never got them developed.
I know. But someday?
Someday.
And I felt that love and that imprint again. And it wasn't the same highschool one, that I got from online talk I had from one of my Sion friends. No, it was serene quiet feeling of love. Because I knew we had grown apart...just c'mon now...something's just never change.
I got a call from Jace and he just moved back from the states. He was living in the Azores for a while and he finally came back to the states. He made every bad thing of my day just go away, I forgot how much someone could care about someone despite the fact that I've never even met them. That we are restricted to the phone and online. But that's enough for me and Jace, 'cause I sometimes honestly think he's my soulmate. He made me forget what it was like to feel completely alone, because I had him, and I loved him for it.
I don't know why but I'm in a good mood today.
Why?
...probably because I'm talking to you.
And I talked to Jess and she missed me and she wants me to come down. And it's exactly the same between us. She listens and so do I. And we are okay and she makes me feel like everything is normal, like I could talk to her daily and feel like I'm at sion...at home.
Come down.
I'm trying.
Good 'cause I want to see you.
I want to see you too.
And by this time, I felt so elated, like perhaps if everyone still loved me this much, I could make it here and try to pull off this year without doing something stupid.
...But that is bound to happen.
I know I'm loved but I need to be told. And I got so much love last night. And it's funny, 'cause the only person I need in this world, the only one I need when I hurt, the only one who can truly make the pain go away with just his voice, the one makes me see the world as good as it is, no matter how much I hurt, is the one who won't talk to me at all.
That May May that I wanted you so badly to know and love has left and I saw her leave through the window just now. She left with the struggling lady bug in my room. That poor little creature was stuck in a prison between my glass window, seeing the world, and the white lace curtains of my own world. I stared at that little spotted red bug for a while; until I noticed that it would die if I let it stay. It would just die, and I couldn't let that happen. I got up from my bed finally after being in bed for so long, and I opened the window and it just stayed there for a while, I had to push it out. Good bye Lady Bug.
And I'll tell you why, that May May is gone. I'll tell you why she's changed and she can never go back. And I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. All I know is it just is. And this the reason why I couldn't get out of bed today to go to school, despite how happy I was earlier, despite how I could have faced today in all it's exclusion because I know I'm loved, but everything changes and I remember the love but right now it's not that simple. Scott and I broke up.