I can't remember what exactly what happened tonite and why I am typing instead of lying down and resting is far beyond me. I think this is where I get psychotic. Any normal person would probably be sleeping by now.

It's still really cold out and everything still feels like underwater. I can't really move that much. And I'm not sure what I'm saying. I think I just want you to like this.

Earlier today my friend, Beth, called and asked me if I wanted to trip with her. I've never done drugs before; I've never been high or drunk or anything.

The silence is really deafening.

I think my parents are asleep. And it is still really cold in the house even though my parents turned on the heat. I think this is weird. I wonder why.

I feel my eyes bulging out and I don't know why. I feel like my face is paranoid but not the rest of my body. This is new for me.

I shouldn't have done this. We were in Starbucks and I was sitting on the Couch beside Beth. We had taken over the counter-pill drugs from the drugstore next door.

And I was sitting there and everything got really sedated. It was mellow and I was hott because there was heat in Starbucks and we just came in from 26 degree whether outside.

I remember Beth taking all of hers in one swallow and it took me multiple swallows down mine because I had just learned to swallow pills a few months earlier.

I feel funny.

We barely talked just sat there for a while and I listend to a nice song that I haven't heard in a while. 'Hey now' and it was good. And it put me in a good mood. And I remembered that I lost that CD and I wish I had it back now. But now it will probably remind me of that now.

Hey now, Hey now. Don't dream it's over.

And I remember Beth looking at me and saying that she felt mellow. And I didn't feel anything because I don't think things happen to me. 'Cause they never do. And I thought that she would probably start acting all funny but I wouldn't and we would go home and everything would okay.

I felt like we were sitting at starbucks for two hours. Beth said we were there for only 30 minutes. I think just didn't look at the time. It's okay.

I remember the room feeling like water. Like it does right now. I remember feeling heavy and real light.

I don't remember much.

I remember walking outside of Starbucks and it was cold. And I wish I had listened to my mother when she told me that I should have put on another jacket. But, I thought it would be okay. It wasn't.

I don't remember much after that. I remember bits and parts of it. It seemed so movie. Like the things that you see on T.V or on the big screen. I didn't think this would happen to me. I don't know how to feel.

I hope my parents won't find out.

I blacked out and I remember talking to Beth while I was walking. And I remember her linking her arms with mine so I wouldn't fall. I rememember a lot of black and a door with white light. It might have been a window. I'm not joking. I'm not lying. I think this is what scares me the most. Is that I use to be able to write about this kind of stuff because that's how it feels but when it actually happens because you almost OD on over the counter drugs. It's weird and I feel weird now. Really water-y like. Like a daydream that movies try to portray. Just like those. I feel bits and parts of it. But I can't remember. At all. And this frightens me. I remember asking Beth a lot of questions. Am I going to die? I remember asking her that a lot. And I remember her white hat and her looking slightly worried. And her voice trailing off... I remeber holding on to a fence while she tied her shoes and I couldn't walk straight. I remember there was a man with a dog and she told me that he was coming towards us so I told her that I would be quiet. I would be quiet. I remember all this darkness and dry heaving. And I remeber trying to sit up straight and look normal so her mom wouldn't notice but my head kept falling to the sides because it got so heavy. I remember patches of white because her walls were white and I remember watching an old home-movie at her house with her in a play. And I remember not seeing much of it except that it had color but I couldn't concentrate on the screen because my head felt like water. I remember covering my mouth to try to stop the vomit coming out on to the floor and running towards the bathroom. I remember this vinegar bitter taste. And laying my head against something cold. I remember her mom calling my parents in a very nice way but it seemed all too movie for me so I was quiet. And her mother handed me the phone and I said, "Hello, Daddy. I don't feel good. Come and pick me up." And he said Okay. I remember Beth saying that my parents are here and she pulled me up from the bathroom floor and the floor was cold. I remember hearing the voices of my parents but not seeing them. I remember everything really dark. I remeber that I couldn't stand so my dad had to carry me to the van and everything was still really dark. I heard voices about being allergic, tazo tea, and starbucks, and being really sick. And I hoped that Beth was okay.

But most of all I remember me saying, "I'm awake." and I think this meant a lot to me. And it hurt to say it even though I wasn't aware of what's going on. And this is scary. I'm awake. That is what moves me. I remember saying that and being moved. I'm awake. I remembering say that, Beth. I remember saying, I just woke up. And it was weird because it was at night on a street.

This evening was the first time met her mom and I hope her mom doesn't think badly of me. I hope that I didn't give a bad impression. My parents came and picked me from Beth's house.

I'm not very good at writing and I apolgize that this entry didn't make sense. I just feel like I have to get it out of me. Every time I move it feels like a dream in water. And this is weird because my eyes are bulging out like they are paranoid. I don't know what to think or do. It is time for me to sleep. And I sort of what to stop having this heavy water feeling so Good night.

Last Next