What I'm Worth
I don't know what I'm worth anymore. I thought I knew but I guess I don't know. I guess I'm not worth as much as I thought. That I'm just not enough.
And I thought I wouldn't call because this is the first time it feels like I'm ready to let go. But with all the crap that's been going on I had to tell you. With the stupid thing that I did on saturday. Because you need to know. Because I thought you cared.
And when I called you you laughed and didn't care. You said I was fucked up and needed help and tried to get off the phone because you were irritated that the phone rang and it was me. I don't love you anymore, May. And I just forget what I'm worth.
Aren't I worth more than this?
Didn't you once say that I was worth more than you could describe? You never could desribe anything because you said you were at a loss for words when it came to me. But obviously you know how to laugh.
Laugh your heart out.
And all that is running through my head. The fact that this is the closest I've ever been to leaving and not coming back. And you don't care. And I'm gone. I'm already gone. And that scares me that you could wake up one day, realize that I was gone and be the better for it. While I'm lying to myself, in denial, convincing myself that I'm better without you but I feel the pain. And you don't because you have your freedom and you lost your loneliness in the arms of another woman.
And it doesn't matter because I'm giving this a time restriction again, like when I first met you. An expiration date. Just like Milk. Yeah, you're just like milk. Isn't that what you said, when we first met? And I was scared of falling for you? I put a restriction on how long I'd care about you. 2 weeks. And I told you this and you said, "I feel like milk." Well that's what you are now even though you never wanted to be but I wanted you to be, because I was Ms. May Queen of Callous. But you ended up winning because I fell hard for you way pass those two weeks. But I guess I get the last laugh. I guess I win. You have an expiration date.
Ha, milk.
I thought I was worth more than this, and maybe I'm okay because I believed that you would come back and I'm slowly starting to wake up and realize that the phone will remain mute, that you truly forgot those nights we spent together. But I can't be bitter when it come to you and I can't say that I hate you or that I'm not feeling any pain. Because I do. I feel it all too well. But I don't know for how long. I just hope that when I do get over all of it. That you never come back. That way I could never feel that slight pang of regret, that quiet kind of sad that would bring lumps to my throat and cover my eyes with a glossy haze. I don't want to be consumed with that stupid rememberance of lying in your embrace and having the world die at my feet at that moment and I would still be in bliss, because you and I were the same, one in the same. I hope I remember because I would never like to forget, but I hope I don't feel any emotion when I do. I hope it comes back to me as an empty memory rather than one that moves me.
I hate to be moved by you.
I remember that we weren't perfect and that was okay by me for so long. I forgot what fairytales were like because I didn't need fairytales when it came to you because you were enough for me. Enough for me. I remember we use to have the most hell-ish fights, the kind that can drive anyone insane and want to slash their wrists open. Yeah, the wrist-slicing kind of pain. But we'd always make up after all the tears and screaming and I was happy. I remember you leaving during the summer for three weeks, the time you couldn't stand me, the kind where you felt numb, ...the time that reminds me of what we're going through right now, and having those moments be rock bottom. Rock bottom at 16. I'd kill you to make you believe how low I went. You can't get any lower and if you can...it's not rock bottom. But I touched the cold granite and scraped my face along the sides of it until I realized that this was it, that I couldn't get any lower than this. I have to go up and started to think: I was only happy 36% of the time, 60% hurt, and 4% truly happy. You think I would of left with knowledge of this, because it doesn't seem enough. Because it seems like I'm degrading myself by staying with only 40% of something good. But it was that 4% of true happiness that always made me stay. It was that 4% of true happiness, that makes life worth living. It's what takes every single problem or pain go away because this is what God gave us to live for. Life sucks, right? And you ask why you live?... you live for those 4% moments. Those are the moments that philosphers, writers, the most intelligent people that have graced this earth are trying to convey...this is why you live, my friend. 4%. If you could die or be lonely for the rest of your life, you'd okay as long as you had this 4% to keep you company. Never underestimate. Never. Never. This is the hell people go through...to reach this. Remember what it is that makes it worth it. And that's why I hurt myself continuously because it is this 4% that moved me. That I could never forget no matter how I try. It's the reason why I could never hate you, Romeo. Never. Because I saw the purpose of life, the face of God, in these 4% moments.
But I'm brought back to reality sometimes, and I feel that I'll never feel truly happy again with you...and I might just have to look else where to feel the purpose of life again. I'm worth more than this. I hate thinking or making you believe that your love was worth more than mine. And that's why I put up with all this bullshit for so long. That's why I didn't give a flying fuck what happened to me, because I was so sorely convinced that you were the only person that could ever make me feel this way.
...This 4% of true happiness, that I would die for. That I would gladly go to hell for and have that fiery place still be heaven with the thought of you.
I'm starting to remember what I'm worth. And Dear God, if you let that happen, if you don't treat me what I'm worth, then I'll be gone for good and I'll remember you only in empty memories.
...because I'm worth more than this.