When you are Ready
I finally finished packing and it's 6:10 in the morning. Wow, can we say procastinator? I did sleep though, I just took power naps in bewteen.
I don't know exactly how to put in words how I'm feeling because, Dear God!, I have so much to say. And I feel like everything is sort of clouding in on me.
He was my first taste of fairytales.
...and if you knew any part of me, that says a world of things in just one sentence. I remember thinking that friends were over rated because it seemed that I could never truly keep the ones I cared about. And it's funny especially being up here surrounded by people who don't like me at all, that I finally see *again* the importance of it.
He was seriously for the past year and a half was all that I needed to get through this life.
...I know that may sound crazy because I'm only 16. And I met him when I was only 14. And we are only in highschool...and I'm not sure what exactly that says. Because I hate stereotypes. I guess making him everything to me was unhealthy because now I have to rebuild from scratch who I am, because I gave so much of myself to him.
Life seems so awkward, so stranger, to me now.
...But I know that I am strong. And this is the first time I've ever considered truly letting go. And finally, finally...I am ready. Tip of life: Do things when you are ready. And everything will follow through. If people say 'do this' or 'don't do this' ...do it because you are willing to take that risk or feel that pain. Do it when you're strong enough. If you're scared to go to college, then wait a year and go study abroad. Nothing will ever seem right if you don't feel right about it. If you're scared to fall in love. I'm not going to tell you what the eff to do. If you're not ready, then don't go for it. Just take all into consideration of what your decision holds. How long will you hold off? And if you keep pushing love away, fine. But when you are 40 and want to settle down, maybe then you'd realize that you need to start holding on to those loving relationships. People have to learn the hard way. It's just that simple. You'll never know unless you've tried it. And somethings, as painful as they are, are worth trying.
I wouldn't for the world give up on day, as hellish as it was, with Scott. Mark my word.
When people are like, 'He's an asshole. Why the hell would you stay with a guy like that for so long?' ...well maybe he is now. But I have good judgment on people. He wasn't always an asshole. He is still one of the best guys I've ever met. I went through hell to get him back the first time he broke up with me. Rock bottom at 16. And know...truly know, that I did whatever it took to get him back. I swear to God, I did. And that's how I we were together for those extra months. The measure of one's desire is how much one is willing to fight for it. So after all this time, it happened again. And I am worth more than this. And now I see, that I am ready to let go. ...Keep in mind, I swear, to you .... when you are ready. Do it when you are ready. Even when it seems wrong, you'll find that you had to learn it the hard way. And you will be the stronger for it.
As for my friends. I see again why they are so important in life, especially at my age. I thanked God for my friends last night. Because this is going to be hard and I need to be surrounded by people who care. They care. And they see me in a light that Scott use to see me in. And I need that right now.
Be well everyone, do it when you are ready. I'm going to go get ready for school now and please hope that I will be having a rockin' time in missouri. Because I need that right now. I really do.