McDonalds
I had some good old Mickey D's. My asian buddy, Phoenix, took me after school. I think he took pity on my soul and that is why he took me out; I really don't have friends here.
Sometimes you can't help but eat fatty foods. A mini pleasure in life; perfect. They're just so damn good. I've been eating all day, it's wrong. I was hungry and so I ate. And ate. And ate.
I hope I don't become terribly obese.
There are so many things in this world right now that I want and I think about them all the time. Except the measure of passion that I use to desire things has subsided so my motivation for making self happy isn't going to get me anywhere; I'm just going going to fill up on McDonalds.
No joke.
Life's not that great. Really it isn't. And I'm not that person that you think I am. I'm actually very stupid and shallow. Don't overestimate me you'll just end up getting dissapointed. This isn't a pity party though so I don't really need your feedback on how I'm in denial and give me some compliments about what you think of me. And that comment previously stated isn't trying to turn you off even more or get you more fired up about how I'm trying to fish for compliments because I'm not.
I was talking to Jay (Jace) the other day and it finally hit me. I'm just ordinary. And I guess that is okay. And I know deep down inside it's eating me up and maybe that's why I keep having to fill it back up with chicken nuggets and french fries.
It's the only way I know how to fix it.
And I was thinking: That it doesn't matter where I am because time is going to pass all the same. I'm going to grow up and go to college and being here in Chicago instead of Kansas City isn't going to change the inevitable. I just think I'm bored with life. I'm not that special girl anymore. I know that I once was but I guess it faded along with many other things in my life, things you'd think that would always be there.
I just think that I'm not sad anymore about much and I'm not happy about much either. And I think breaking up with Scott is a sad thing to go through but it doesn't really matter anymore. Because life isn't that great. And I think I was blinded by believing that it was from the euphoria that I got from his kisses. And I guess that old May, that I'm still trying to hold on to is seriously dying. And I feel it. And it doesn't matter anymore. I feel kind of sad about it. I wish I could put into better words but I can't. That this entry is honestly a big deal if you looked into it. If you could read deeper into the past entries up until this one, if you could read ndslotesse and realize that I'm a heartstring away from truly becoming someone else, from truly growing up.
I know people care about me; if I'm going through something rough I should seek solace in their arms. But I know truthfully that this was meant to happen and they might care but not enough and it ultimately all comes down to the inevitable. I feel like I'm struggling for this part of me that is dying, but it's a quiet kind of struggling, because it's not suffering, it's not painful, but it makes me feel the quiet kind of sad real loud. So yeah.
Umhm.