I Can't Go Back Now
There are so many things that I remember and my heart is swelling with the thought of it. We are seriously over for the first time and I just shrug at the thought of it. I'm not sure if I'm in denial or repressing it. I'm not sure what the hell I'm doing because when he and I broke up during the summer I hurt way more than this. I just guess there is a limit to how much a girl can take.
I signed on his screen name with the password that said 'im-in-love-with-may.' I remembered the summer when I sent him little messages with the 'smarterchild' IM machine, where you IM this screen name but it isn't a person just a machine that is programmed to talk to you. And I sent him little messages through it and he wrote me back...barely. And I reread what I wrote. And I remember what kind of hell I put myself through and I'm reminded once more why I should never do it again because it all ends up in the same way. Him leaving and me being broken and picking up the pieces of my heart as his hands goes up another girls shirt.
Message from may0487 left on 5/18/03 6:15 pm:
Don't you miss me? Don't you miss the way I said your name? The way I whispered, "I love you." The way my hair fell in my face right after we kiss? God, tell me...you miss that...tell me that I'm not making these memories up...because I know if you remembered...God, if you remembered...wouldn't you still love me?
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Message from may0487 left on 5/18/03 6:15 pm:
...I don't know what to say. I want to call... But I know if that if I try you'll just get more upset and my chances of having you back might decrease. I want to be able to call you and not fear that I might lose you by saying something you might dislike. I'm in this lose-lose situation. I'm in so much pain because we're not the same and if I call you to ease the pain; I'm just making it worse. I need some sort of miracle, Romeo.
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I'm trying to remember what was so great. Why I degraded myself for him to love me? Why I did that stupid thing just so I could see him again? Because that is what you do when you are in love; you put everything of yourself into them to make them a better person, more of a person, so that you two are one in the same.
I'm trying to remember why everything was great because the memory seems so distant now because I barely think of it. Whenever a thought comes into my mind about him I think about Bryan and it makes the thought of Scott go away. I don't think I could even say his nickname again. Ever.
I remember it being beautiful but now I'm trying to remember why it was. 'Cause I can't think of reasons. Not right now anyway. I'm just trying to make myself feel better about all of this. 'Cause if I remember what it was that I fought for back then, I might do whatever it takes to get him back this time; and we can't let that happen. 'Cause it's not worth it, because this will happen all over again.
Shame on you if you fooled me once
Shame on me if you fooled me twice
Because he will leave and I'll be in the same position. I need to restart building myself before I get too old, before it gets way too far. Before I commit suicide.
I don't want to remember for a long time. Maybe when I'm settled, happy, and really old, and I have no way of contacting him, maybe then. Maybe then I'll allow myself to remember but definetly not now. It would be too dangerous. And I'm not willing to take the risk anymore. I'm worth more than that. Way more.