Shrug It Off
I got a few packs of reds from this guy that I know that got it for me from another guy. I guess everything is a cycle and you have to have connections to get shit. And the person that gave you anything or you got anything from got it first from someone else.
Shrug.
I was dying by the time I got home, I went upstairs and turned the shower on full hott, the kind where it burns your butthairs when you sit down on the floor of the shower. I smoked one in my underwear because I didn't want my clothes to reak of an ash tray and then my parents get on my case about it again.
Remember: Flush the toilet.
Which I did and I was proud of myself. I cracked the window open a bit even though it was 20 degrees outside and my armpit hairs were standing straight up and poking the sides of my elbows. No they aren't that long. It was a figure of speech, you sicko!
The hott water started fogging up all the mirrors and the glass on the window and blowing out the window.
Puff. Puff.
The smoke from my cigarette intwined itself with the hott hair and everything just felt the same. And I thought that you couldn't even tell when they mixed together. Hott air with smoke. I guess it made me feel a bit better about my giving in to my nicotine cravings because mother nature does the exact same damn thing I do.
Everything has a way of trying to off itself.
I found mine. Slowly but surely. I hope I don't kill my kid with this bad habit though.
Shrug.
I flushed the toilet and padded my self on the back. I remembered. I threw my clothes on top of the sink turned on the radio real loud and hopped into the shower. I usually stay in there to think a while because it's my sanctuary because it feels like rain. Because I love the rain. I remembered he loved it too but that's besides the point.
I just sat on the floor, shringing off my butt hairs because the water was so hot. It felt good. My butt was getting a natural wax. Screw paying some chick to wax my ass hairs; Mother nature could do it for me.
I thought a lot about who I was becoming and I tried to shrug it off because that's what I do lately. I don't think. And it just doesn't matter anymore. And the a song filtered into the shower with me and the hott ass-shring water and made funny faces in my heart.
I pretend that I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more every day
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me
~babyface
Brush it off.
I sat there a while not knowing what to think or feel because I don't think anymore; I just don't analyze anything anymore. And if you knew me, truly and deeply, just a part of who I was before, you would know that meant a lot. Because that was a big part of who I was. The lyrics made imprints in my heart and I had a hard time hearing anything else for a while, Babyface's voice echoed in earmuffs closed in on my ears.
And it's gone now.
I barely think. So I jumped out of the shower again and lit up another one. Trying to make sense of things and blowing the smoke out the window and tapping the ashes into the toilet. Shrug it off. And that's what I did.
Just shrugged it off.