Today
It's beyond recognition what I've become. I stared at my reflection for so long this morning after an ear-bleeding, face burning, bruise-inflicting, ...family-breaking fight with my parents.
I sat on the cold blue tiles of my bathroom floor and stared through the crevice in my window. I looked around and I sat and I just thought with the a cigarette in my hand and cooly flicked it into a purple hairspray cap because I was too lazy to reach the toilet. I ended up smoking the filter twice without knowing it. Afterwards my head become really heavy so I laid to down on that blue tile and I tried to go to sleep. But all I could hear was:
You're a disgrace to the concept of family,
the priest won't divulge that fact in this homily...
I stared at my stereo for a while, deciding whether or not I should change the track. But the song fit so well that I felt like it was a sign from someone special, so I left the song on repeat. Styrofoam plates, cafeteria tables... I felt hott when it was 30 degrees outside on a sunday morning. My face felt more than sticky, it felt downright gluey. And my body is aging faster than that I could have imagined. Not only am I dying emotionally my body is deteriorating along with it. I feel it; don't you think I do? It aches and it's all my fault. And this isn't a pity party. I just wish I understood why my insecurities are getting to me. I just wish I understood why I don't have friends up here. I just wish I understood who I really am. I just wish I wouldn't wish so hard. I got up and I sat in front of my mirror and I combed my hair while listening to Death Cab for Cutie. And I just combed while staring at my reflection. I stared at the glossy shine of hair that was plastered to my face with all the combing. I looked at the comb and all around my lap there were heaps of hair everywhere. I felt like a dog.
And I guess that's what I became, some sort of animal, who isn't human anymore. And this entry feels all to melodramatic for my taste.
I just don't feel much anymore and the slightest thing I do feel includes another feeling along with it, fear.
Life is so boring.