Glad or happy? Ask yourself that.

It's been exactly seven days since I've updated this and all I can think to myself is that I'm going to get a low marking on the "updated" parts of all those reviews I've asked for. Teh.

I guess I've been lying to you all somehow or at least holding back information. And I should probably just let it all out because it will just more confusing if I don't and wait longer. And I guess I have my reasons for not saying it. For keeping it all inside. I just guess I thought I've been dreaming all this time and if I told you, it would be the 'pinch' that woke me up.

Scott and I got back together.

I'm not sure if you approve some of my friends definetly don't; my brother thinks I'm just being completely blind.

I wish I could tell you what exactly happened, all the things inbetween, and all the things that have happened after that moment ...and all the things that that led up to that moment.

We got back together December 4th, 2003.

I was online December 2nd, 2003. And he IMed me with a long time ago screen name that he never gets on.

...?
What?
Why do you have me blocked?
Because it hurts to talk to you.
I thought we were friends.
I guess.

And so we spoke of everyday things, of what has happened in our lives for the past month that we haven't spoken one word to each other. And we were doing fine until he said:

I miss you.

And I didn't know what to feel because what do you say to something like that? I said: I miss you too. And everything just sort of awkward so I told him I had to go because it was 10:00 and I should really go to bed.

May, call me sometime.
If you want to talk, call me.

I went upstairs and I couldn't stop shaking so I puffed a few to relax myself. I was sitting beside my toilet on those cold blue tiles and I stared at the phone in my hand and I called Jess but she was sleeping, she asked if I was okay, I told her yes.

I looked through my window and I stared at the shadows of the trees and the laughing moon. Laughing at my expense.

I called him.

Ahm. Hello? Scott?
Hi. I called you.
When?
Earlier.
What time is it?
10:20; I left you a message.
Oh.
...How are you?
I'm good. How are you?
Good.
(pauses between us both)

We spoke of normal things, actually of things we just talked about online, 20 minutes ago. So I said:

Didn't we just talk about this stuff online?
I think so.
So why are we talking?
...I miss you.

And when we spoke it was exactly the same and everything felt sort of familiar but foriegn. I was reminded about the way he laughed and the way he said my name in that Romeo way of his. I remember the way I could hear him smile and everything felt 'at home.'

...And that's where everything just got sort of iffy because I was reminded that we weren't together. I got reminded that he wasn't mine and tomorrow he could be with anyone ...but me .... because I'm 550 miles away and not there just only in faded pictures on his headboard on his bed. So I had to leave.

Why do we talk like this? This isn't working.
Why not?
We're not together.
So?
And you speak to me like nothing has changed. ...Don't call me, Baby.
May...
I'm serious!
...listen, you are my best friend. I can't just toss a year of my life away. I still have feelings for you. I still think about you. And everything that I've said, I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.

And I bit my lip and my face cringed and sort of just got sad afterwards. I wasn't sure if I was happy to hear news like this because, well, what are you suppose to do? I spent all this time truly believing that he wasn't coming back. Because the last time I spoke to him he said:

We're friends but I don't love you anymore. I stopped loving you long ago. We can be friends. Just friends. Only friends.

And I let that settle in with my tears the night he said that to me. It was the tuesday night I called him after I came down from Missouri. The night where I tried to make him see... something again. Because I needed him to feel something after I gave him this letter. But he told me he threw it away. That everything inside that I gave back meant nothing. And he just was nonchalant like he always was and I let that set in. I just let it all consume me in every way possible so I wouldn't be tempted to pick up the phone and start crying and begging him to take me back.

All these thoughts and memories kept haunting me while I listened to the voice that got me through days that felt like hell. And I was comforted and tortured at the same time with memories and the presence that only he could offer ...right then.

I miss you, May. You are my best-friend. I need you.

And a lump went through my throat as I heard him say this and as I got off the phone with an enlightened but heavy feeling he said: I love you. And I, well I, I said it back.

And so we're together but there's so much more to tell and I'll leave it as this.