And I haven't gone that far to believe that we ever really got back together. That I knew deep down inside when you told me that you missed me...that you were lying. And everything would end up the same. Like the first time--in the summer. Like the second time--in fall. Like this time, the third time--in winter. Jesus, how fickle can you get?

That you and I are just not meant to be ...anymore.

Fuck fairytales. Fuck all the happily ever afters--it's all shot to hell anyway. Does it matter?

I knew that by the first time that you left me in the summer that nothing between us would ever be the same. And the second time that you broke my heart and thought that you're 'sorry,' was not enough to mend it, that we would always be just taking steps back.

And I've just come to accept all of this bullshit.

In truth, I have been getting over you since the first time you broke my heart. And that I've been trying to mend it ever since then. Fuck me, 'cause I guess that I lied too. I guess I've been slowly keeping myself from loving you because I knew this was all some corrupted fucked up drama romantic film about two teenagers in love. I guess I did whatever it took to get you back, degrade myself a million times, become a different person, fuck all my beliefs and morals, because I wasn't ready to let the one thing in my life that ever let me feel as close to God as I was when I was with you. I guess I just wasn't ready to walk away from the one thing that I wanted more than being in heaven because you were heaven for me. Because you were utopia in the form of a man. What more could you ask for? And so I kept on trying. On doing whatever it took to get you back. Even the time you told me you 'wanted me to commit suicide.' Even then. I would forget myself in the thought of you because I believed so much that you were it for me. That you and I were one person.

Loyal.

In love.

All of it.

And so I loved you shamelessly, obsessively, passionately. And I'm not concieded but do you think you will ever find someone that will ever love the way I did? I went to the very brink of being psychotic. I was dangerously in love with you. And I'm only 16.

And for all the readers out there that are much older, believe me when I say, I loved. And I loved deeply.

I loved in the way that anyone could love. I set no limitions and restrictions. And I admit now that I loved too much. Way too much.

And he was just a boy.
And only 16.
And scared.
And so I understand.

I don't know how long I will love you, Scott Matthew. I just know that I do now. And that I haven't done anything wrong but love you in the way that so many people want to be loved.

Loyalty.

I was so loyal.

You were all my heart desired ...nothing more.

I'm not sure if I can wait forever. But for the sake of who we were once were ...I'll wait for as long as I can.

Because I truly believe that ...if you wanted to... you could open your eyes and see what you truly had right in front of you.

But don't be mad, when you come back, and I say, "told you so." 'Cause I did. I told you so.

Come back to the one person that could make you happy. The one person that is truly in love with you. ...And if you never come to me. I just hope you remember. Not the bad things. And not just the good things. But all of it. So that you can remember the beauty of it all.

That we were once ...meant to be together.

I hold down my hiccups and I'll smile for you. I'll save my So-So's and hold close to the bear that you gave me for my Birthday and you named it after a nickname that you didn't want me to call you anymore. ...Goofer. I'll hold on to him too. You were so beautiful. My heart's first love. My first taste of fairytales.

My romeo.

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