And it's like screaming and breathing ...bleeding and crying all at the same time. I feel it all too well. Like I'm trying too hard to be someone I'm not. To please you.

To make sense of all this wasted time that I'm losing.

This crazy-garrulous-'shut up-fucking-idiot!' that won't stop talking ...that keeps jabbering on and on and on. And you have this feeling inside of you that makes you want to explode ...hit whatever... smash it into tiny millions of untracable shards of glass, that keeps going on and on and on.

And you just want it to stop.

You would give up forever ...this breath that is letting you live, the pink hue of your cheek from the winter cold, the passion of pleasure lingering on your body from making love to someone, the epiphany that you finally found your soulmate...

Anything to make it stop spinning.

Give it all up; I would.

You're spinning in all directions. Just like when you were a kid and playing hoola hoops and all that jazz. And everything in between. Just like when you and your girlfriends or sister ...or the closest thing you have to it... and you're pretending to be princesses, dressed in white linen cloths, dancing with your dream princes' that came on white stallions

...and saved you from something.

But you never knew what that something was.

But you knew that you had to be saved from it. Because it was bad. Because it was the one thing that was truly holding you back.

Just like that spinning feeling. Just like that time when you were spinning on your living room floor and pretending with white sheets tied around your waist. And slowly humming the tune from Sleeping Beauty,

I met you once upon a dream...

And everything feels sort of dizzy, like the world is moving too fast for you too catch up. So you keep on spinning to try and play tag with time. Because maybe you could find that prince that left you ...that came and swept you off of your feet ...but never said goodbye. Just smiled and kissed you. And you melted. And it felt like heaven. And when you opened your eyes he was gone. He didn't stay that long.

And so you beat yourself up over it. You started tearing out your hair and ripping off of that white sheet of linen because fairytales were lies. Because everything that they used to feed you when you were a little girl was just a pathetic attempt to keep you as innocent as possible.

But you were never that innnocent.

You felt pain at a young age. You felt it too soon. You thought about suicide too young to be accounted for. You were suppose to be playing with dolls and dress up and you couldn't because you knew ...you knew deep down inside those were just lies. And if you gave into them ...it would just eat you up. You didn't want that.

You would cry.

And crying was a sign of weakness. You were only 9 ...and crying was a sign of a weakness; how sick. So you held it in and pretended that everything was okay because no one wanted to see a young little girl feel pain. Because then people would ask, "What has the world come to?" And they might actually think about all the corruption and hatred that this world has indulged themselves in, bathed in the sin and fault. God forbid anyone would do something about it.

So you kept on spinning and letting the blood rush to your head because it was the closest thing to happiness that you got. Adrenaline. It was such a rush. It felt almost too good to be true and you just wanted to hold on to being a kid for as long as you could ...when spinning on your living room floor dressed up in a white bed sheet and humming 'I met you once upon a dream,' was enough. And you could be innocent and a little girl again. And you're prince would come.

He would come.

And all the rest were just minor details; because him coming on his white stallion to rescue you was his way of battling the dragon; what he saved you from was

...yourself.

Now he's gone. Miles and miles away on his white stallion. And you'll wonder to the end of your time whether or not he knew what he meant to you.

That he did save you.

And that deep down inside as you move on ...because 'the world does not stop for your grief,' that perhaps, just maybe, just maybe... he might come back and love you this time without any obligation of saving you because maybe ...you could return the favor, and this time... save him.

Everyone needs a little saving.

But in the mean time use what he taught you. Don't dismiss it all in vain.

People say 'Live and let live;'
I say love and be loved in return.

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