Going Back
I know it may seem trivial but whatever is going on in my life means a lot to me
...sort of.
I know there are tons of people out there who are going through a lot more than I am. People who are starving and being abused who are constantly unsure of whether or not they are going to see the light of the next day. I know I should be grateful of what I have but sometimes ...I guess the fact that I am spoiled makes me think that my problems are huge when they are really not.
Everyone goes through somewhat of what I'm going through, right? Right.
It was curriculm day today and we just filled out registration forms of what courses to take next year but I barely bothered because I won't be here next year.
I'm moving back.
I'm not sure if I ever told you that. I know it something as important as this shouldn't be disregarded and kept from everyone as secret.
But I guess, I just didn't want to jinx it.
Going back is what gets me through the day.
My grades were average and nothing special. I'm just unsure if I'll be able to go back to my old school, sion, if I don't pull up my grades. I know that they don't accept incoming seniors ...Sion being prestigous and selective of course, how could I expect anything less?
It's just that my laziness and lack of effort might be an obstacle to my happiness. I'm the fault of that hinderance, and I just, well ...I just can't get my act together.
Who get's C's in the kind of school that I am in? It's so easy. Non-challenging. So why am I failing?
I guess that this may seem trivial and stupid it's just I don't how to say it ...and I don't want to it to be a pity party.
I'm just mad at myself.
...for so many reasons; not just being lazy and not doing well in school.
I'm just dissapointed in myself.
I just ...
God, I really can't express myself today.
It's just ...on the car ride I told my mom about my grades and how we were registering for classes next year and then she says ...that I dunno ...that I can't go back.
And I just flipped out.
I know ...I don't be mean to be selfish. I don't mean to be hurtful. I don't mean to break apart my family.
I just am so obsessed with being happy, that I often forget that I step on people in my aggressive ambition to attain it.
It's just that
...I'm hurting right now and I know it may not seem like a big thing.
But it really is.
And I'm tired of telling myself that it isn't.
I'm just ashamed of who I am.
God, If you knew...
If I could tell you all that happened from the beginnning and all that is in my heart. All the pain that I've caused ... the things I've done to my family ... and to myself.
I'm just so mad and ashamed and embarresed.
I just know that I can be better.
I just wish that I had the strength to stay...