I felt that heart tightening and butterfly moving feeling that I get whenever I hear from him, whenever I know he's talking to me.

It's been two months.
A long time ago I fell in love with a boy...

GorgeousmanScott: uh did u call me awhile ago?
Wish4hope: a while ago
GorgeousmanScott: y
Wish4hope: just to talk

And we exchanged the mandatory 'How are you's?' and everything felt okay for a little bit. I didn't feel anything just yet. I guess I was too concentrated on the room being cold because it's cold outside and snowing.

GorgeousmanScott: same.......actually pretty fucked up......not really......just pressure from grades and stuff
GorgeousmanScott: parents, girls, friends, drugs, sex, and all that other teenage shit has hit me hard lately
Wish4hope: you okay?
GorgeousmanScott: i dunno, dont have anybody to talk to anymore since u left, but ive been keepin on i guess
Wish4hope: me too
Wish4hope: if you ever need me though, like when it gets real tough, i'm here, ya know that right?
GorgeousmanScott: no i really dont
GorgeousmanScott: but thats ok, i guess its finally ok
Wish4hope: what's okay?
GorgeousmanScott: i dunno, everything....a lot of shit has happened, had to get stronger, but i dunno.....life is hard sometimes i guess

And I said nice things to make him feel better. Lies maybe to make everything that happened okay. To stop myself from feeling this way. I lied. And I said no whatter what happened...or happens between us.

GorgeousmanScott: hows chicagoi
GorgeousmanScott: without the i
Wish4hope: ;)
Wish4hope: chicago is nice and windy
Wish4hope: it's always snowing and cold and we never get any snowdays
Wish4hope: how's lees summit?
GorgeousmanScott: hm we had some snow days, i went sledding and broke my ass i swear to god haha, and i dunno, this year has def. been diff w/o u
Wish4hope: I wish I could say the same for the sledding but I don't know about many hills ...and yeah, this year is something else.
GorgeousmanScott: im finding out how special u were.........its like wow there is nobody like u.....its just so ugh
Wish4hope: thank you
GorgeousmanScott: i dunno, parties are cool.......and smoking and drinking are fun.....but just gets old i guess....i guess a lot of things get old
Wish4hope: i guess the noveltys worn off?
GorgeousmanScott: i dunno, im like depressed or somethin right now, and i dunno, i dont get depressed too often ;-)

And I was nice again. I said nice things to make him feel better. To make the room stop spinning. So I can see again through my own eyes instead of looking through foggy tears. And I asked: Is there anything I can do?

GorgeousmanScott: haha "i just want someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be allright" would be great for me right now

Again and again. I say it. The nice stuff. The stuff that will make the butterflies stop.

GorgeousmanScott: i guess
Wish4hope: that whatever you're going through right now will pass
Wish4hope: and you'll be okay at the end of it
Wish4hope: i know because i know you
GorgeousmanScott: thanks

And those were the important parts. And that is what I copy and pasted. And that is all I'm thinking about right now. I have homework. But all there is ... is Scott ...scott ... scott. And I actually said his name. I said it. I wrote it. And I cried. And it was cold. And I was shaking. And I listened to Blink182's new cd with 'All of this." And the song is just as good as flake. And everything feels sort of forced. And I'm just trying to be okay. Just breathe, May, for the sake of living, please, just breathe.