That being me isn't such a bad thing.

That growing up is scary ...which is why people want to stay as young as possible. I don't know about you but I miss the sandboxes and the swingsets. I miss falling off my bike and climbing trees. I miss snowball fights and sledding down hills for eight hours straight. I miss playing dress up and hide & go seek. Well see, I just miss my childhood when things seemed so carefree. When the world was at my beckon & call. When the world was as big as my backyard and popsicles from the ice cream truck in the summer were the delicacies of every meal. When I remember being happy.

I don't know about you but I won't miss all this teenage angst shit ...but sometimes, I think I will miss skipping classes, dropping my books in the hallway, laughing at my clusminess, meeting up at lockers, planning friday nights, getting ready and trying to look cute, laughing behind the teachers back, complaining about school, making up inside jokes, and being immature...well, see, I don't know about you ...but it's funny ...'cause I think I will miss these things once they're gone.

It's just funny how many things I take for granted because everything just always seemed better on the other side.

In the other state. In the other school. In my other life.

Sometimes, you see, if it weren't for my pride ...I might not go back. I think about this a lot but I couldn't voice it without losing pride. Without having a blow to my ego. And maybe this is wrong. And maybe this the reason why I'm not an adult yet ...or whatever. Maybe I need to grow up a little.

It's just I know what you know when you think of me 'cause I've thought it before too.

& sometimes, I'm disgusted at what I've done to my family. Sometimes, I can hardly believe that I broke us. & if you a reading this & don't understand ...good, b/c I could never reveal in full detail what I've done. But bad ...'cause I guess you weren't paying attention while you read.

I guess I'm feeling this way because I read this in someone's xanga and I think it is an old e-mail that I recieved long ago and this girl who I went to school with in junior high pasted it in her entry.

~*~*~*~*~*

Somewhere b e t w e e n the procrastination, and the homework, and the incessant forwards, and the friendships, and the calls to each other complaining about crushes. Somewhere b e t w e e n the phone calls to old friends, the "I miss you's" and the "I love you's," and the "What are we doing tonight's?", and somewhere b e t w e e n all of the changing and growing. Somewhere b e t w e e n the classes, and the skipping classes, and the studying for tests, and the pretending to study for tests, and the downright NOT studying for tests.

I forgot...I forgot what high school is all about.

I forgot what it meant to cry. I forgot that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy. And that pretending to be smart doesn't make you smart. I forgot that you can't just forget the past in fear of the future. I forgot that you can't control falling in love. And that you can't make yourself fall in love. I learned that I can love. I learned that it's okay to mess up. And it's okay to ask for help. And it's okay to feel like crap. I learned it's okay to complain and whine to all your friends for a whole day. I learned that sometimes the things you want most you just can't have. I learned that the greatest thing about high school isn't the parties or the drinking or the hook-ups...It's the friendships, which means taking chances. I learned that sometimes the things we want to forget are the things which we most need to talk about...

~*~*~*~*~*

And you remember, ya know? You remeber what you've been trying to forget. What being a kid is really about. About growing up. About highschool. About life.

And just for the effect listen to "The Reason" by Hoobstank while you read this entry. Or that Jerry McGuire theme. Whichever. Just for the effect.