Hope
So today was made of nothings like everyday nowadays.
Everything felt empty, like it lacked in meaning. I wasn't expecting anything extraordinary in this place that darkens every afternoon but I did hope because sometimes hope is all you have. Because sometimes it makes the bad things go away when the people & things that you need the most leave. So I hoped.
I walked around in the halls and I pretended that I had friends. I smiled and nodded every now and then and I'm sure this looked odd and somewhat frightening but it didn't matter because I missed my friends a lot. And the students passing me by with queer looks probably don't know what it's like because their friends are right next to them laughing at me too. & everything felt like 8th grade again, that year, when everything was just that stupid teen angsty phase. When I gave into the truth of false fairytales. When I realized that growing up wasn't playing dress up and wearing mommy's high heels. It was learning and experiencing, loving & losing, living & dying, you know the deal...
Everything just seemed so big and I just felt so small.
That year was something else. & since I was so young, and I thought that tears could save me because thats the law of boo-boos when you scraped your knee on the sidewalk. Tears saved you. But not this time, because these were grown up problems. Because grown up problems don't just fade away with tears and band-aids, they have solutions hidden in other problems. So you're always chasing another potential tear-jerker. It's all some derranged cycle because life is just like that. A derranged circle. So yes, I gave in, well, 'cause sometimes hope leaves you too.
But I begged in silent thought that life could be better than this even though it wasn't that bad. I begged whatever it was that I was speaking to inside my head in concentrated thought that tomorrow would be a better day than today & I could breathe easier without destroying someone elses breath.
Certain people need to die in order for other people to live.
& that's just the order of life. You can't expect anything more because hope doesn't gaurd that territory. Those parts are for the dreamers. & dreamers are often liars & die in the ecstasy of their misguided thoughts. The dreamers are the heartbreakers. So don't dream. The toxicty will waste away your innocence in the pleasure of your night affairs. Don't break your heart.
I waited for my ride to come at the end of the day and I thougth about home. I thought about everything that I lacked in my own person & all the things I lacked outside of myself. I felt small again. & the hurt was different from years ago because I know this time that tears won't save me. So I didn't cry & I didn't dream.
But I did hope.