In the City
My sister is leaving tomorrow to go back to college. Spring break is over and I thought to myself how sad it was to limit vacactions and happiness, but all of it is a part of life, no one is happy forever, so I didn't think anymore of it.
Just like today. We went to the City and it was cold outside. St. Patrick's day parade & green hats & it was a vacation. I thought about how it was just an excuse for the nation to get drunk & I shook my head, rolled my eyes, and grinned.
People are so easily amused.
We drove around and looked at the tall buildings & I felt so small compared to it all. I thought about architecture and how people managed to make buildings so large as I stared in awe of the Sears Tower & all the windows that sparkled in the daylight. It was beautiful in a modern way.
But beauty doesn't matter when you remember that it doesn't last forever. I thought about how beautiful people were suppose to be & I thought about where beauty lies. Inside. Outside. & does it really matter? What's wrong with being ugly or plain?
I felt my insides curl when a homeless man came up to me and my sister because we were laughing and having a good time and being happy. And he said, "You girls look like you are having a good time." And I looked at him and silghtly smiled, not knowing what to say, because I felt uneasy when he came too close to my face asking for money and something to eat. I could smell his breath and felt embarrassed for him because he had no home and no toothbrush & I thought about human greed and capitalism. I couldn't help but feel guilty. I smiled and I shook my head when he continued to ask for money because I honestly didn't have any but I thought about whether or not I would have given him money even if I had any. I felt more guilty. But I hope I would have, at least, I'd like to think I would have.
While we were driving, I saw more and more of what I didn't want to see. More people with cardboard boxes hanging from their necks and I looked down in shame. A man selling flowers in 30 degree whether. A woman selling socks. Another man with a water bottle trying to wipe the windows. The guilt was overwhelming. What was I suppose to say? I wasn't sure if I felt angry at them for not doing more with their lives (what about their dignity?) or happy that since we need people like that to make capitalism work, it proved that I was better than someone. & I thought about my pride and how sinful it was to think these thoughts & I couldn't open my eyes in embarrassment.
So I went home with the rest of my family & reviewed today's events and thought about whether or not I changed for the better. I thought about the things I should have done and should have felt. & the guilt and embarrassment was increased 10 fold. Afterwards, I closed my eyes and just pretended that I did and said and felt all the things I should have... because I wanted to pretend that I was good person. I wanted to pretend that I could be someone that I was proud to be. I wanted to pretend that beauty and capitalism and money didn't matter ...but it did. It does.
& I felt guilty all over again.