I was over at my Cousin's for dinner. My brother is home from spring break and he brought over his poker set and we played. & it was all in good fun because the money wasn't real.

He called three times.

The last time he called was 11:05, I still wasn't home on this sunday night before school. I was tired but he was so persistent that I told him I would call him back when I got home. In the car ride, all I could think about was why he called so much? What did he have to say that was so important? And does it matter? And should I care?

As soon as I got home, I ran upstairs and I called him. It was 12:05. I think I woke him because his voice was all raspy. I told him that he didn't have to talk but that I was just returning his call.

He told me that he wanted to talk and I should stay on the phone. So I did. And we spoke and we asked the mandatory 'How've ya been?'s and the 'What's new?'s.

Everything feels so different now.

I remember loving him so much that it hurt. I remember loving him and doing whatever he asked of me in spite of myself. I remember being happy.

But I don't feel it now.

I remember fighting for that happiness and that love when he left me so many times. I remember the crying and the begging and the 'Whys?' and the 'Please dont's and the 'I love you's. I remember fighting hard to keep him by my side. But he left anyway.

I remember it all.

And none of it made a difference like back then. I would have died with the sentimentality that my romeo was speaking to me still and there might still be a chance that him and I would get back to get together.

But I guess it is true what they say, "Time heals all wounds."

...But I never believed it. Especially the first time he left me. Rock bottom at 16. And every passing day that he wasn't with me grew worse & that is why I degraded myself to be with him. Because that pain back then was unbearable.

Not now. Not now.

I can bear it now. Things are hard but things are okay. I learned that all the things I wanted so much, like the growing up together, the staying in love, going to college together, and getting married, aren't going to happen. I've just finally come to accept it. It took me this long. But I don't think it could have happened any other way. I needed to fight for him all these past times to realize that he wouldn't the same way I did, that he would watch me leave and be the better for it, that he wouldn't lift one pinky up to fight for me ...that he just didn't love me as much as I loved him.

This is what happens to you when you believe in love so blindly. So I don't mind because I blame myself for all the pain I went through. I blame myself because it was a growing experience and I needed to experience what it was like to love like that.

It was beautiful in so many ways.

It's strange to barely feel anything when he calls or when he tells me that he cares about me. Because before, I would have jumped on the opportunity to get us back together and convince him that we were right for each other. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't work like that.

I remembered things last night that I almost forgot, the old memories that use to motivate me to get him back. I remembered those. It was all overwelming because I wasn't sure if I still loved him last night anymore or not. I mean the kind of love, that still wants you two to get back together, that kind of love. The kind where you fight.

I cried hard at the thought of all the memories with him on the phone. I think he felt bad because he asked me why I was crying and then told me to stop.

I hate myself then because I don't need his pity. I don't want him to feel bad for me because I loved him so much and he is doing fine without me. I didn't want him to see me weak even though I know he knows that, a long time ago, I hurt over this. But sometimes, I wonder if he knew how much. I didn't want his pity love.

I was embarrassed, ashamed, and angry.

It wasn't fair that he didn't love or hurt the way I hurt when he left. It wasn't fair. Love is so unequal. He is on the other side of the phone listening to me cry and I just felt stupid. Because I don't remember the last time I cried over him. I really don't. I remember doing it. But it's been so long ... so damn long that crying over him felt unnecessary & uncalled for.

It was 1:05 & I got off the phone puffy-eyed and embarrassed.