Second Thoughts
I guess I forgot to mention that it is my springbreak and I am down in Misourri/Kansas right now staying with Jess.
I don't know that I forgot to say it. It would seem like I should have because it is a big thing, isn't it? I get to come back to the place that I miss and think about the most.
I should be grateful. Overjoyed. Happy.
But I'm not.
And that's the worse part.
God, I feel so fucking selfish. I feel so fucking lame. Isn't this what I want? ...To be here?
Nothing feels right. Everything is just as foreign as being 'up there.' & I'm dreaming. I'm just dreaming.
It's strange to feel so alone in the place that was suppose to love me. I'm here. Right now. Right here. Is this the same place that I left? I'm not sure if I want to be here & that hurts more than you could ever know. Because this place is suppose to have all my friends, all my memories, ...because this place is the only thing I know.
But I guess I don't know much.
I come and it is raining all day. I come and Scott isn't there when I land. I come and I my luggage isn't on the same flight with me, so I wait for Scott and my luggage to show up an hour later.
It isn't what I thought it would be.
I come and I see Scott. I come and I degrade our relationship by having casual sex. I come and I stay at Jess'. I come and I go out with Courtney that saturday night and we drive around with nothing to do. I come and no one knows my name or if they do, they doesn't really care.
I come & nothing feels right.
I guess things fell short of my dreams. I guess time passed by too much for me and this place to still love each other. It's just everything feels so out of place because I don't fit in, up in St. Charles and I don't fit in here, in Lees Summit.
The grass is always greener on the other side and I just keep ping-ponging it back & forth, I guess.
It's just that this entry isn't articulate because I don't know what to say. Because I am at a loss at how I feel. I thought I was suppose to be happy. I just thought. I just wished. I just hoped. I just...
Nothing feels right. Everything is just kinda lost in a way. & I hurt. I really do. I hurt & tears ...they come. Oh, how they come.