Realization
I can't sleep right now. & I don't know why. I'm sitting on the computer while the rest of Jess's family sleeps including her. Everything feels sort of lost. Sleep I needs some sleep. It's strange because I remember when I was younger and I use to cry because I couldn't sleep but that all dispeared when knowledge, beauty, and money became power. Sleeping was like being a kid again. I could drown my problems.
I get to go to Sion tomorrow and shadow Shorts (Courtney). And this is strange only because I can't find myself being excited but more anxious. More worried. & I'm not sure exactly why.
Things change and people change. & there's nothing you can do about it.
I remember when I came down in November when I missed Sion to the point of insanity and hated St. Charles North with all the passion I could muster. & I remember what one of my friends said to me while I was in the Sion parking lot leaning against her car.
I'm not trying to be mean, May. But why do you come down here so often?
I thought about it.
I felt stupid. Desperate. Lonely.
I know she didn't mean to say it to hurt me. She was probably just curious. & I'm probably just really sensitive.
But I thought about it.
Why couldn't I make friends in St. Charles? Why did I miss Sion so much? What happened to the May that friendly and easy-going? What happened to her? I didn't understand because I thought I was her.
I just thought.
& maybe this isn't anything. Maybe I'm just scared out of my mind about what is going to happen to me next year. Maybe I'm getting cold feet. Maybe.
This hurt. People change. Things change. & the world moves on.
I thought being here was what I wanted. I thought that being beside my friends and going back to my home was the only thing I needed to be happy. I guess I was wrong. I guess all the things I use to dream up at night while I was lying away dreading the next day at my new school, that going back wasn't exactly what I wanted. I tried to give it a name & a defintion. I guess I just defined wrong.
I realize what I miss most was my old life. My school. My friends. My boyfriend. &... my family. I knew this a long time ago but this is the first time I allowed myself to say it. That nothing in the world could give me back those years. Nothing.
& that's what I'm craving. I'm craving my old yellow house with the small backyard. I'm craving to have a brother and sister to come home to. I'm craving to have that old good relationship I had with my parents. I'm craving to be a highschool kid again and make mistakes & have fun because these are the only years I have left that is remotely close to being innocent and a kid again. &... I'm craving to have Scott back in my arms and telling me that he loves me.
None of these things are reachable now.
& I guess I was stupid to think that putting my parents and brother and sister through pain could bring those things back. Because it can't. It won't. Because that is what happens. & life goes on.
I'm really trying to be okay with all of this. But the hurt is blamable. And all of it falls on me. I did this to myself.
But I can't help but feel sorry for myself. & I know that sounds really self-indulgent but I do. I hurt and there's no one that I can talk to. What is there to say? & who is there to tell it to?
I miss him a lot. A lot. A lot. A lot.
So basically I'm sorry that this entire diary of my moving to St. Charles from Lee's Summit was a joke. I'm sorry that I made you think that I was the victim. I'm sorry. Because I'm not. Because I did these things to myself.
But I can't help but hope that someday things will be the same. I can't help but hope that someday I'll find that medium where I'll just be happy where I am. Not Lee's Summit. Not St. Charles. Not Sion. Not St. Charles North.
I want to sleep. I want to dream up my old life in the way that I loved it so much. That is the closest I'll ever get to it again. Ever.