Things change. People change. & there's nothing you can do about it.

I say it to myself without thinking about it. & the hurt is slowly tearing me down. But I try to be okay because the world does not stop for my grief & the tears that I cry just makes my face wet & nothing else.

So I'll stop crying.

There are so many things to think about that my mind keeps drifting off because I don't know how to handle pain anymore, not in the healthy way anyway.

I keep it all bottled down with alcohol, grass, nicotine, and silence because I don't know any better. Because the people that I need the most don't know that I need them or are too far away to do anything. But I think to myself, I've been silently crying out for help but no one cares enough to notice what I don't say. & that is a blow to my pride. It sidekicks my sensitivity because I want people to care.

But eveything is okay. There are reasons for all of this. Because I understand that things change. People change. & there's thing you can do about it.

I thought that being back in my old home, in Kansas City or Lee's Summit or whatever, those places from so long ago, people would notice me screaming without saying a damn word.

But no one noticed.

& I guess I have myself to blame for that. Because I loss my ability to be articulate and the embarresment restricts me from letting anyone know how I truly feel.

Things change. People change. & there's nothing you can do about it.

I want a miracle.

Because I tried to say how I felt but it always came out wrong and people would just stand there and look at me and say they were sorry and then walk away. Because pain makes people feel uncomfortable. So they say their mandatory "sorrys" & the "I know that everything will be allright." but they don't know shit.

Things change. People change. & there's nothing you can do about it.

Tears fall down my face involuntarily and slowly without warning. & it feels like it's raining because the tears can't be coming from me. Because I can't remember the last time I cried and someone saw. Because all of it feels way to embaressing to be talking about. The vulnerablity of this entry make me cringe.

May Miguel doesn't cry.

Things change. People change. & there's nothing you can do about it.

I was just stupid to believe that moving back would solve all my problems. I can't believe how naive I was to think that people would wait for me to catch up. I forgot that people move on without you & it's not to spite you or hurt you. Stuff like that just happens.

... Things change. People change. & dear God, help me to stop crying...