I Feel Good
Despite it all, despite all the growing concern in my limbs about the soon future, I feel good.
I remember times when I were happy and the nostalgia taste of salty sorrow but it's okay because at least I am grateful that I can miss something so great.
I guess you can say I'm in a good mood.
Maybe it's because I just took a two hour nap or that my mom and I haven't fought all day. Maybe it's because I spent 2 hours talking to Scott last night and it was amazing because he spoke to me like how he use to when we first met.
& as distant as everything is. & as scared as I am about next year. I feel really good. About everything.
I read Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk over Spring Break because Jessica introduced me to him last time I was over at her place about 6 months ago, in November. & I love the way he rights.
Give me nostalgia.
Flash.
Give me my old life back.
Flash.
Give me hope.
Flash.
The first time I ever got high I was with Jess over Spring Break & I think I already told you that. I told you that I was tweaking and paranoid but despite that, it was amazing. Everything felt really nice. Like light. & the blacklights in her room were just so bright. & I remember thinking that heaven should feel like that. She got new CDs earlier that day and we listened to them and they were so good I was scared. I remember listening to Talk Shows on Mute by Incubus and Maps by Yeah Yeah Yeahs. & the next morning I listened to those songs over again while reading Invisible Monsters & they sounded just as good when I was clean.
Now whenever I hear those songs, which I have repeat on my computer, I think about Invisible Monsters and how great that book is. I remember getting high with Jess and how great it was for a second to think that I didn't have to worry about the future and whether or not I still fit in Kansas City. Whether or not my friends still cared about me. Because all of those things hurt, because all of this hurts when they don't happen. When your friends leave you. When your family leave you. When your best-friend leaves you and doesn't love you anymore.
But that doesn't matter right now because I am almost through this year and that says a lot because I'm just so proud of myself for getting this far. & I'm thinking to myself if I can be this happy being here that maybe this place isn't all that bad. & that maybe, maybe, I know, that if I gave it a try I would have really liked it here. Because my family is here. Because I love my family so much that it does hurt and I live with what I did to them everyday. Because I couldn't live without them. Because I know how bad I take them for granted because I can't imagine them never being there, so I need other people who leave me, well, because they leave & I need them for as long as possible.
I just feel really good without the high & that says a lot since I'm here right now. The recollection of this past week is hard because I'm unsure, but everyone has their insecurities so I'll deal with it in time. But the reassurance that maybe, if they don't remember how to love me now, whether it be my friends because they haven't spoken to me in forever, whether it be my family because my pride won't allow me to admit any sort of wrong, whether it be Scott because we are young and stupid and don't know what the fuck we are doing, that I will remind them how really great I am.
I will remind them why they loved me in the first place and make them proud to know me. I will make amends for all the pain that I caused by not being there, by never saying I was sorry, and by never giving any one a chance to be right.
I will make amends for this year. I promise-promise to everyone out there. & I so-so that to you, -----.