A Little Piece of Pink Paper
Ya know, it's so much easier to just yell at you and be a bitch than face the fact that you're not gonna be here next year. It's so much easier to just tell myself you were a bad friend then to face the fact that you're the only friend I had/have at Sion. It's so much easier to tell myself that you never found that perfect friend you were looking for in me. I feel horrible every time you tell me that you have no one that is there for you and that no one cares. It seems like you add my name as an after thought. You tell me how sad you are and I feel the same, but no one can help me and so I don't even know how to begin comforting you. I can say it'll be okay over and over again but peple can tell me that and I just don't believe it any more. How can I continue to tell you something that I can't even believe in myself? I need someone to give me hope too. Cuz to me right now everything is hopeless. I don't want to have sob stories anymore. I don't want excuses anymore. I do feel bad that I can't make everything better for you, I feel bad that even after 2 years you still can't tell me everything, that you feel you have to keep your gaurd up and that you STILL feel that crying in front of me shows your weak. Do you really think I'll judge you? I am honestly sorry from the bottom of my heart that I've been sucn an inadequate friend. I really wish that I could've helped you in some way, given you what Scott couldn't, or just been the friend you were looking for. I didn't come to Sion to look for new friends, but I did find you and that has helped me a lot through all of this. I just wish I could be for you what you are for me (if that makes any sense). This is not another self pity sob story. I really do wish that I could fill what Scott can't. I hate seeing you sad because I can feel the hurt in your voice. I really wish I could've made it all better. I really wish I could've saved you... and then maybe you can come back and save me.
<3 always,
Jess I found this piece of pink paper when my mom was doing spring cleaning. She handed it to me along with a bunch of other papers and told me to throw out what I didn't need.
I need this.
I was about to disregard everything when I saw the corner of a pink edge of paper poking through & my curiousity got the best of me.
I read it.
There are things in my heart that I can't say anymore because I've lost the words but I'm sure they're there. I wish people would know how much I truly care even when I shrug it off. Even when I don't speak to them in forever. If I loved you once, I will love you forever. That's a part of who I am. That is why I don't give out my affection so easily because as soon as they have the real thing, they've got a lifetime warranty.
I'm sorry for all the things I didn't say. I'm sorry for all the times I wasn't there either. I'm sorry for all the things you went through. & there is nothing wrong with hurting because at least you're feeling something. So maybe sob stories count and maybe excuses are okay sometimes. & maybe you're okay now & all the things that hurt, may not hurt you anymore, but just know that you are still very dear to me. No matter the distance. No matter the time.
So thank you.
...& I remembered why I never wanted to leave. I forgot people cared about me that much. I forgot what having a friend was like. Because so many things have happened this past year with me moving and all that I'm not sure if we were still as close. Because I came down for Spring Break and it didn't feel the same. But I understand why. I understand because that is what time does to things. But it doesn't matter because I'll forgive time anyway.
I'll make amends for it all and show time I'm still May-Fucking-Miguel.
So bring it, time, just bring it.