But, you see, I'm unsure for a lot of reasons. 'Cause I know myself and I know the way I work and that's why I would never act on it. Besides, I wouldn't be ready to date or see anyone. I'm just not into the whole relationship scene, wait, I take that back, unless it seems really worth it. I just have much more other important things to put ahead of having a casual relationship. I'm sure they are fun but they aren't fulfulling. So many of my friends are out there just "having fun" but when I want to be with someone, I want it to be for real. I mean, 'cause then... what's the point? You might end up falling for them and then you're screwed. & you picked the wrong boy to fall for.

I mean, sure, I wanna have fun, right? I do have needs. Sexual needs. Der. Haha. But seriously, I do. I'm a horny girl.

But, I can't picture being intimate with some guy and have it be anymore than just sex. & I think the reason why I liked sex so much was because it was with Scott, because I loved him so much. I don't know. I know sex feels great but I don't think I'd be able to get into it if it weren't with someone that I cared deeply about. I'd probably end up feeling fuckin' amazing but dirty in the end. & I can do without the dirt.

Maybe if I were really drunk I would. Wait, I know I would. Haha, so pass over that Tequila.

I like the way boys look at you. I think that is what really gets me over the top. It's sort of tragic and pitiful in a way. I end up being attracted to someone who knows how to look at a girl right. You know... that one specific glance, where they make you think that you are the only thing worth looking at the entire room? Yeah, that one. Any guy who can look at me like that, who makes me seem like I'm worth more than what I really am, can instantly turn my head. & believe me, as horny as I am, very few guys turn my head. I have incredibly HIGH standards. But, it's that special way their eyes pay attention to what you have to say rather than to your chest or the other side of the room. The way their eyes pierce yours and the look is so intense, so dramatic. It's that soft way their eyes smile along with their lips that has me falling off my seat in adoration.

Scott use to look at me that way.

& I guess I just fell for the next boy who I noticed that looked at me in that way. I'm not saying that we are in love or that it was love at first sight or something like that. It's not that way at all. I just like the way he looks at me when I talk, the way he seems interested. There are others who have looked at me in that way but it's different because there is a difference between lust and actually wanting to get to know someone.

& I think he wants to get to know me & I think I might want to get to know him.

But I probably won't, knowing me. I won't for many reasons & it's not because I'm embaressed to admit to a guy that I like him. I'm not the giggly type of girl that all of sudden drops their IQ by 30 points in 30 seconds. Actually, I'm a quite a bitch, no joke. Most of my friends use to ask me if I am going to be nice when I meet their guy friends or boyfriends. I just think that people, not just boys, even though it may seem that way, have to prove themselves to me. They have to show me the quality of their person. & maybe this is sick but it's true. I don't like being around people who aren't worth it. But by all contradictions, I am surrounded to the point of drowning. You learn to cope. Anyway, enough of my tangents & high standards. See, I don't like guys for very long. But I have the capability to like someone for years. & I'm not talking about Scott.

The very first big crush I ever had was one of my brothers friends. But he was still in my grade and my friend as well and his name was Kohope. This was back in Phildelphia, so things were very different, because I was young. He could sleep over, which he did a lot, and we spent entire days together weeks ata time. He was smart and charming and unique. And I liked him so much. 7 years? ...

Then the next boy I ever felt that way again was a boy named Daniel who I had first met in my 5th grade class as soon as I moved to Lees Summit, Mo. There was a point in time where you couldn't know me without knowing Daniel. We use to be almost-best-friends?

Both of which are completely two different LONG stories unto themselves, which I will not go into further detail here.

Then there came my Realization, in which, I came to realize that all the things I had felt before for any guy was just a lie. Since I have not yet elaborated on my Realization here is a link to ndslotesse's explanation: 1 2 3

After a very long time, I fell for a boy who contradicted all the once cynical beliefs I had that were caused by my Realization. I met a boy who made the world spin on all sides and was the only one who kept the world still enough for me to see that all the things skeptical things I believed about love were just defense mechanisms to stop the hurt that I endured. I met this boy and he was everything that I had ever wanted in the silent nights I cried myself to sleep wishing that I was wrong about love. I met this boy and he was it for me. I met this boy and he became my first everything. I met this boy and we fell in love for the first time & it was great to feel so high.

But this boy left.

& this is where I am now.

Better for all of it. Not completely naive and not ridiculously cynical. I found my happy medium & I know I owe it all to that one boy. & no matter how much it hurts sometimes, it doesn't matter, because I'm here now & looking back on a lot of things when I'm quiet, I'm grateful and very lucky.

So ... the story isn't finished & I'm still moving on only because that is what you have to do. Because the world really doesn't stop for your grief. No matter how much you hurt. You learn to pick up the broken pieces of your own heart because you can't rely on someone for everything. Beccause sometimes they have their own heart to pick up.

So I like this one boy who sits by me in my creative writing class. & I'm not going to do anything about it only because I wouldn't know where to start. Because I'm still unsure about the boy who broke my heart & I'm still mending the broken pieces. & no one wants anything that is second-hand or broken. So I'll make it a goal to become brandnew and shiny again, just like a penny. & be the better for it. & maybe someone will pick me up and put me in their pocket and love me because I'm something that give them luck or happiness or whatever.

So yeah, pick me up.