Right and Wrong
None of it mattered because tomorrow will be the same as today. Feelings come and go & nothing ever really changes. Because tomorrow will come despite it all. So breathe for me, like I breathe for you.
I tried to remember what it was that I was suppose to say right now but the words, they climb back down my throat & I choke on their fear.
I walked out of my class to my locker after school and Zaynab made a comment on how happy I seemed. I was laughing, smiling, and talking. & nothing was wrong. But then I asked myself, "Was anything right?" At that moment, I couldn't remember what the difference was. Because everything felt the same as the opposite of everything else. I didn't know what 'wrong' was or even what 'right' was. I just remember that learning this was essential to being a good kid. I just remember having to know but never really learning. All you had to do was say you were sorry and that you'll never do it again but that wasn't really learning. It was lying. Because what you learned was rules could be broken as long as you weren't caught. But this right and wrong was completely different. This right and wrong didn't belong to rules. This right and wrong I was trying to decipher had nothing to do with any of those things. It had more to do with understanding. My ability to differentiate between reality and fantasy. My ability to accept things, to understand the good and bad of my life.
& I never learned either of these concepts.
None of them made sense to me. Is this the way life is suppose to be? Is this what I have to settle for? Or is this more to look forward to? Do I wait for it? Or do I leave it up to fate? Or both? & is there really such a thing as fate? & is this what they talk about when it comes to my grasp of right and wrong, reality and fantasy? That I'm completely unsure about this whole 'living' deal. None of it really makes sense. & there aren't enough books to describe it to me. & there aren't enough people willing to open up to give me their personal story about it. & I would never ask them to because the prying factor would be off the charts with that one.
& what about the other concept of right and wrong? I'm not sure if I can decipher the differences anymore. Because everyone has side, their own story, their own excuses. Because everyone can feel as much as you and me. & I understand. Because war and abortion make sense to me. Even though all of it is murder. I'm not sure if this is right or if this is wrong. & I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. & I'm worried because I'm already 16 and I feel like a 6 year old. The dissapointment in myself is overwhelming and I'm just trying to be okay with all of this thinking.
& somehow I feel hurt deep down inside without tears or words. Somehow thinking about all of this hits some place I can't explain or even reach with my thoughts because I think with words & I have none to describe it. I just want to go back to the laughing, the smiling, and the talking. But now I'm reluctant because that is where all of this started in the first place & now I don't know where to go. Because I'm always two inches too much to the right or two inches too much to the left.
But see, none of it mattered because tomorrow will be the same as today. Feelings come and go & nothing ever really changes. Because tomorrow will come despite it all. So breathe for me, like I breathe for you.