I'm thinking about a lot of things without feeling anything, or at least trying not to. It's often very hard because feelings come and they go & you never know what you are going to feel next. It's always a mystery.

I was over at Esther's with Angela last night, doing absolutely nothing, but just hanging around. When I got a call 15 minutes to midnight from my mom telling that my sister is being rushed to the Hospital, being brought to the ER, & they don't know the details. I was worried but not much only because she went to the hospital about a month ago because she was gravely sick but she turned out fine & I knew she would be the same this time. Nevertheless, my mom said dad was coming to pick me up.

I came home plopped on my couch and stuffed my headphones into my ears while listening to my new Burned CD. & there were calls all night long while I laid on that couch because my mom was so worried she couldn't put the reciever down. Typical parental reaction.

We were either going to leave that night for St. Louis, if the situation were really that bad, or we were going to go there first thing in the morning. I didn't care which, I like being in the car & seeing my sister would be a wonderful way to spend the weekend but much to my dismay my mother woke me in the morning to tell me that we were no longer going because Ate (my sister) was in a car accident with her boyfriend but she fine now, just a little shook up.

I fell back asleep & woke to my mother talking to my brother about the whole incident and filling him in with all the details. & then she went off on some tangent about me. About her complaints of me moving back next year. Dadedah. Blahblahblah. I just stopped listening, stuffed my headphones back on, & picked up the book Angie let me borrow, The Fuck Up.

Cuttin’ through the darkest night
In my two headlights
I’m trying to keep it clear
But I’m losing it here
To the twilight
There’s a dead end to my left
There’s a burning bush to my right
You aren’t in sight
~Jewel

I still have my headphones on even though the computer has all the songs I just burned but I guess I'm just in a selfish mood because I want to be the only person listening to it. & I don't how to feel about all of these things put together. I know my sister is fine, so that is out of the question. I know that I'll be fine, so that is out of the question. & everything is really okay if you really pay attention because it's just another day and the world doesn't stop for your grief.

When I tell myself that life is good, I have to tell myself in realistic terms, that it hurts but it's just a part of living, because if I don't I won't believe it. Because being optimistic all the time just seems like another lie and your brought back down to reality with pessimism anyway. So it's better to 'fess up to reality, that way, you'll believe it, and the healing process can proceed. Believing that there is a pot of gold on the other side of the rainbow just makes you chase a ray of light & no one wants that. Not really anyway.

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