I close my eyes and let the song take over me. It doesn't matter that it is overplayed on the radio. It doesn't matter that sometimes people sing it off tune. It still remains the same to me, just as beautiful as the first time I heard it on my brother's CD.

"But I continue learning..."

I don't know what to say. These are the hardest times for me. When I hurt without knowing it. When I feel that mysterious kind of sad that comes for no reason and leaves just as quietly as it came. & it never explains it self. It doesn't need words. But I do.

I need my words to comfort me and I have none to give myself.

It never comes out right. I whisper things to myself in silent thought and underneath my breath but it's not enough. It just doesn't go away. There are so many things that I have to be grateful for, and I am. I honest to God --am. It's just...

God. So many things. So many damn things.

"I never meant to do those things to you... "

I hate it when I get like this. It's so pointless. Because hurting doesn't matter. Because it doesn't get you anywhere. Because you end up running in circles trying to get away from something that is in reality ...right beside you.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you... "

& I repeat self over and over again. Because I can't talk. Because I hurt without knowing it. I'm so use to picking myself up by myself that I don't realize what I'm feeling is suppose to hurt, that I'm suppose to cry. Because solitute makes you strong, builds character. Pain just all feels the same to me. It doesn't matter to what degree. It begins and ends the same way. So none of it really matters.

"It's something I must live with everyday."

I guess I hurt because sometimes I let things catch up with me. I guess I can't runaway from time forever. I guess when you don't think about the things that hurt you, because that's how you make the bad things go away, it hurts you without you knowing it. Unconsciously, everyday you feel it through a strained smile but you don't realize it because you've been smiling that way for so long. So everything feels the same. Because pain is just pain. Nothing less and nothing more.

"And all the pain I put you through "

I have the hardest time saying what I want. Expressing how I feel. I have the hardest time recalling the days events and all my thought processes without being ashamed. & embarressed.

"I wish I could take it all away "

I laid in bed for 5 and a half hours after mass because my parents and I got into a fight. The bad kind. The kind just like in the beginning of the year when I first hated it here. The kind where you're unsure about reality, where you feel like you're in a soap opera because it's so dramatic. The kind that hits hardcore because you hurt, oh, how you hurt. The kind where the screaming and the yelling and the mental and physical blows are so emotional that they blur together into a movie set. The kind where it's impossible to believe that this is your life. The kind where you wonder if you are safe. The kind where you just feel ashamed & embarressed.

"I found a reason for me "

I'm quiet because I don't know how to be anything else. Because crying isn't my style and neither is vulnerability. Because I am proud to the point of sin. Because you take it all in because solitude, not dependency, builds character. Because I hurt without knowing it & I'd never tell anyone willingly. Just to this diary & that is how pathetic I am sometimes. That I am just so ...scared without knowing it.

"And the reason is you."