Last night was a jumbled blur of paranoia. I was completely ripped. Not just a little but hardcore. It was complete coricidin night all over again. It wasn't the cool high kind either, like all the times before. I was tweaking out like a mother fucker.

I thought I was going to die.

After school Angela, Heidy, and I dropped Esther off at her house because she had work.

They wanted to go Prom Dress shopping so I was gonna tag along and try on some dresses with them. We ended up driving around for a long time because we took a different route to the mall that is thirty minutes away. We got there in an hour and we decided that we wanted some chicken wings, so we went to Hooters.

Afterwards, we weren't in the mood to shop, so we went and bought some brownie mix to bake some magical brownies. Since my parents went to Seattle earlier that day, my house was free, so we decided to bake them over here.

As we were mixing the bud into the butter, Heidy was commenting on the quality of the weed and said that she didn't want to use it all up, so we smoked some.

On the second bowl, I took the dankest hit and from then on after was seriously fucked up.

I started coughing because I couldn't hold it in. I went into the house and tried to get on the computer because there was no way I was going to take anymore hits. I could already feel it some by the first bowl. My throat was burning because I was coughing so hard & I think that is the main reason why I was tweaking out so bad. Everything just felt so heightened. My vision and hearing capability increased ten fold along with my breathing.

My heart was beating so hard I thought I was going to die.

I kept praying and talking to myself. I called for Heidy tons of times to comfort me and tell me stories because I felt so alone. I thought Angela was mad at me for some reason so I tried to stear clear of her. I kept trying to turn on my music on my computer but it wouldn't start and I just felt frustrated because I wanted to be chill.

My throat didn't stop burning for a long time. I could feel it ache with every breath I took and I just couldn't calm down. The lights were so bright. I remember lying in Heidy's lap trying to calm down and she kept saying things would be okay because I told her to keep talking. The room was spinning. Over and over again.

I tried to be real chill.

I was also drinking Soda prior to getting high and I usually don't drink soda that much, so I'm not use to the whole burping effect. What made it worse is that I can't burp on command, so I felt that air inside of my esophagus hinder my ability to breathe properly.

You can't live without breath and I was so scared it was going to be taken from me.

Whenever I opened my eyes I was on a different dimension. My body was tweaking out. I could feel everything from my toes to the ends of my eyelashes quivering with adrenaline. I would look around and everything felt like it was the floor and I was standing on a wall. I kept leaning over because gravity felt like it was being defied.

Reality became a hologram.

It felt like when you don't sleep all night and then the next day at school when you slightly fall asleep and someone wakes you up and you wake up really quick and the blood adrenaline rushes to your head...it felt like that. Over and over again.

You know that butterfly feeling that you get when you talk to the person that you are most attracted to and then they compliment you in a flattering way and everything rushes to your heart and you blush until your face turns into a fucking tomatoe ...it felt like that. Over and over again.

At one point after I got up from being hudled into a ball in the darkness of my bathroom, I felt like everything was sober again. But when I walked into the lighted Kitchen, I shut my eyes. And when I opened them I was face to face infront of my relection. I almost fell over with what I saw. It felt so surreal. Everything became quiet. I felt like I was in an artsy movie and the camera zoomed in on my face and went directly into my pupils. They were the size of fucking pennies. I could hardly believe it.

Obviously, I started spazzing out again, so went into the computer and turned off the lights and hid in the corner. Then I started calling Heidy to come over and comfort me. I think she was getting annoyed and as concerned as I was that she liked me at the moment I was more concerned for my safety. So I convinced myself that she would understand after she understood that I was dying. While I had my head in my hands, she was hugging me and telling me a story because I has requested one. After she was done she asked if I liked it and I said yes and felt a little better. I didn't open my eyes because I was afraid the room would start spinning. But my curiousity got the best of me and I opened my eyes. For a second, I was on my happy high, because everything felt like a dream. Everything was in motion. I told Heidy that I we were in a cube, a monopoly die, and we were being tossed around. She started laughing and asked me which way were going. I responded, "All over place," and I started banging myself against the wall. She was like, "Slow it down, Chica, you're gonna hurt yourself."

Then I felt like I was on a rollercoaster because my body was tweaking so bad so I started waving my hands in the air and screaming, "Woooooo!!!"

God, I was fucked up.

But the most memorable thing about last night was how hard my heart was beating. It felt like it wanted to rip out of my chest and fly away. I think that is where the dying sensation came from. It was going so fast it was vibrating. & all I could think to myself was, I hope I don't die & I'm sorry for all the things I've done to my family. & how I haven't found what I'm suppose to live for just yet, so it wouldn't be fair, if my heart flew away without me.

The entire time I was high I felt like I was dying.

It was so strange. I became a kid all over again. My dependency on other people increases just as much as my vision and hearing. I need people all the time to take care of me. I was so scared when I was alone. I laid down on my couch while Heidy and Angela were cleaning up the kitchen and feasting on the brownies.

There was no way I could go near those brownies.

I didn't even eat this time. Usually when I'm high I'm so mellow and chill. I just go with the flow and eat and eat and eat. But last night, I was too scared to go near food because I was afraid that if I started eating I would blow up because I wouldn't know when to stop. So I didn't want to start.

Throughout the course of the evening I felt it so strong. I wasn't coming down and three hours had passed and I had never been so high in my entire life. I was wondering if I would ever go back to normal.

Heidy and Angela told me to get into the car and they were going to take me over to Esther's house because I was staying there for the night because my parents were out of town. I was all right when I got of the car but when I got inside I started to feel dizzy again. I just went upstairs to sleep and I didn't really greet Esther's parents. I know they knew. I hope they don't hate me or think any less of me. I know it shouldn't matter but some of me still cares.

Scott ended up calling me at 10:00 just to say goodnight and I said "I love you back," and he got off the phone. Three minutes later he called me back and asked why I wasn't talking. I told him I was really tired and then added as an afterthought, "I'm really stoned." He got really pissed and said, "You are so fucking stupid," and then hung up. He called again five minutes later but I was scared he was going to start another fight and I know I wouldn't be able to deal with it right then, so I just turned off my phone.

But I guess I didn't because I got a text later on that night from Kady, the girl I was suppose to stay with next year when I move back. And she said that her parents "said no" to me moving back there. And that just completely fucked me up. For the past month, moving back and all the details about next year, have been haunting my thoughts. And now, what I feared the most ...has come true.

I was so confused last night. I wasn't sure how I was feeling. I'm sure I was hurt and full of neglect and anger but I just laid there next to Esther on her bed, not saying anything. I closed my eyes and tried to be chill because I knew the first thing to do is get through the night. I hurt. & I knew I should be crying but I couldn't. So I just laid there.

I tried to go to sleep but my head was still spinning and my mind was going a hundred miles per minute. Thoughts would leave as quickly as they came. And every thought was just as intense as the one before it. The last thought I was thinking to myself was: How stupid was I to do this the night before the ACTs.

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