Shh. Don't talk talk louder than my heart.

I can't stop crying. And I know that sounds really bipolar because I really don't hurt anymore. Not like the way I use to in 8th grade.

Not that year.

It's just I hurt right now because I'm turning into someone that I don't want to be. Because I'm kicking out my pride to say that I'm lost and need help.

& I'm crying. & crying. & crying.

Bye Bye, Pride.

Because I really need someone to rescue me before I really fuck up. Because I am just a kid and all the things that my parents said always turn out right and I hate being wrong. Absolutely hate it.

I hate how age does matter. I hate how mature I thought I use to be because I use to 'experience' a lot or fucking whatever.

I just realized that I'm not the girl that I said I was. I just realized that I have been wrong this entire year.

& I'm killing my pride to say all the things I said above.

And I need people so much right now that it hurts to breathe. I'm just realizing how weak I really am a times.

There goes my pride.

Realizations and revelations galore.

I'm surrounded by it.

God. So many things. So many damn things.

None of it matters at all because tomorrow will come despite the tears that I cry tonite. Because no one really gives a flying fuck if my heart flew away yesterday. Because I haven't made an impact on the people that I thought loved me. Because I'm not that great sometimes.

But it's all cognitive. I tell myself all these great things about myself and the future because that is what you are suppose to do when you want things to come true.

But I don't know what I'm suppose to believe. Because I'm not as hard ass as I thought I was. Because there are so many things happening in my life that I haven't explained in this diary because they are just details. But details, the small things, are the big things really, if you measure them.

I need to stop smoking cigarettes because is a disgusting habit. & I hate myself for doing it.

I need to stop smoking up before I become really involved, because running away from problems never fixed them. Because I am too proud to let my life fall down the drain. Because pride can save me sometimes.

You spend forever telling yourself you're okay because you can't go on everyday hating life, like the way I did in the beginning of the year. Because you can't live the way I lived back then. Because you're whole world does a complete 180 and you're suppose to be okay with it. And nothing feels the same. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. It's just that life moves on anyway.

You have no idea how much I hurt right now.

The way I can't even put one sentence together because my eyes blurs with tears and adrenaline.

Because things are getting really hard. Because I'm not sure if I'm strong enough anymore. Because I'm so fucking unsure about life. About everything.

And I'm sure as you are reading this, you're thinking to yourself that everyone goes through this. That this is just a phase taht every teenager goes to. And that thought that you are thinking right now, degrades my pride, and make me want to erase this entry and pretend that it never happened. Makes me want to pretend that tears running down my face are sweatdrops & nothing else.

Flake, save me. On repeat. Sing me words of comfort.

It's just that even the strongest people break down sometimes.

& I'm breaking down. God, how I'm breaking down...