I'm not writing because I have nothing to say and I don't feel anything, but not in the bad way. I feel but it's not enough to inspire words. So I keep quiet because saying anything right now would degrade the times when I do want you to listen.

It's the same with everything. Abundance is boring and degrades the quality of whatever is plentiful. Like crying. Like falling in love. Like listening.

So, I'm glad when you don't listen to me sometimes. I feel this way only because it means more when you do, because it means that whatever I'm saying is worth listening to. So listen to me when I say that I'm not hurt, not on the outside anyway. If I hurt, I hurt without knowing it. And sometimes ignorance is bliss. If I don't believe that I hurt, I can get through life pretending that I am happy. And pretending becomes reality in the long run.

I am not depressed, not in the crying way. I told you I don't cry but I will kick my pride away to say that I once did and often. I did this a lot when I was in 8th grade and growing up. I hurt the most then. But after a while you learn that things aren't as bad as you think they are. You are only sad because childhood is ending and there are regrets and many of them. Regrets that include not taking advantage of being in the front of the line to the restrooms at school, because when you really think about it ...you are at the very end of the line and at least 20 different kids have peed on your toilet and that is sick. And that is one of the many things that you regret. The rest aren't worth noting.

I guess suddenly my humor turned dry and I don't know how to water it. I guess it's because this is how I am when I get like this. When my pride refuses to let me cry and everything inside of me just shuts down because I can't let anyone see my weakness because that is just embaressing.

So I am okay on the outside. And that is enough because my pretending will become my reality.

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