Not to the point where I'll write here all the time and pour out embaressing words of self-pity work. I'm not in the mood for that teenage fuckin' angst shit.

I'm 17 and invincible now.

It was a few days ago on May 4th, but it's not like you care about the details anyway, just how I felt, right? Well, I'm between being sweet and buying my own cigarettes, so that makes me invincible. I can take on the world if I wanted to and whatever I'd do would be right because you can't be wrong when you are invincible. Because no one would correct you. Because you know everything.

No one knew it was my birthday at school and I don't blame them because I didn't want to make it a big deal because I'm not close enough to anyone up here for them to make it a big deal. So I was quiet. I missed my friends a lot that day. And I haven't missed them in quite a long time so it was a good excuse to think about them and hurt a little bit. But I didn't let myself hurt enough to cry because that would just be embaressing. I got some calls from my friends that day and it was nice to know that they were thinking about me and that they remembered. So it felt good.

Scott even called me right after school, which he never does and it was sweet, at least two times. We usually talk around 10 or 11 at night, so it was strange to hear his voice so early on in the day. It felt like last year, when he was only a 10 minute drive away from me. That night, I went to dinner with my family and came home and wanted to talk to him because I missed him a lot and it was my birthday, so I thought I was going to get special treatment. But he said he didn't want to talk that night and hung up and I guess it shouldn't have mattered but it was my birthday so it did matter. I thought he could be a little more considerate because he didn't get me anything but he said, "So?" and hung up again. I guess I hurt because I thought that talking to him would be a great way to end the day and to make the nostalgia go away after I let myself dwell in it. The last time I called him that night he told me that it made no sense that he should stay on the phone because we weren't even going out. I hurt anyway even though I understood and he hasn't called me back at all since that day. I hurt but not really. I'm glad I said no to him when he wanted to get back together because I kept most of my pride and that's all that matters. He doesn't have me wrapped around his pinky like he use to but he has my heart on a leash but I would never tell him that. And in time that leash is going to dissapear, so I'm just going to wait.

But it's funny because he left me when I turned invincible.