I forget sometimes that I am a bad daughter. I forget sometimes that my mother doesn't want me. I forget all the things that I've done this past year in repression and drinking. I just forget sometimes because I am scared of a lot of things about the next school year and this school year too even if it is almost over. Because I am unsure about about where to go, where to be, or who to be.

Because things catch up with you when you stand still for too long.

And I've stood still because I regret some of the things I've said and some of the things I've done. I am growing up and I'm finally realizing what has value to me and what doesn't. Time has passed by enough for me to change and finally acknowledge that I should do something about what I've done this year. But I haven't changed enough to actually act on anyting. And that makes me sick to my stomach. I feel like gagging on choking on my own vomit and I hope that no one helps me.

I'm just trying to be okay. I'm trying to make my parents love me again. I'm trying to be the daughter that they loved so long ago. I'm trying to be all of these things in hopes that I can restore myself. I'm just trying.

But my mother hurts too much to acknowledge my efforts. She still acts the same way as if I were not trying at all. That she hates me. That she can't wait for me to leave. That she wishes she was never my mother and I was never her daughter. That she wishes she never had me. Ever.

And everythings hurts but I'm trying be okay. Because this is karma. Because this is what happens when you do bad things. Because there are things you have to pay for. And I'm paying for them. And I acknowledge that I will spend a long time making up for my mistakes.

And I don't know what to say. Not really. Anyway. Because everything hurts. And you don't understand this entry or what is really going on because I haven't said yet because I don't want to be embarressed by what I write.

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