I love him
I love him without knowing it. I love him in forgetfulness of being 17 because you're not suppose to be in love this young, not for real anyway. I love him with unspoken words trapped at ground zero of my belly. I love him with my eyes closed in the middle of the night lost in fantasy. I love him with CD after CD of sad sappy love songs repeated on my stereo. I love him picture after picture that turns to ash in my hand and burns our photo albums. I love him in solitude of my own thought surrounded by a crowd full of people shaking my hand. I love him as soon as anything touches my lips. I love him as soon as anything touches my hand. I love him as soon as anything touches my heart. I just love him.
And I don't know it and I'll never do anything about it anymore. Because time changes and no matter how much you hurt or how in love you think you are, things just happen. Because I'm growing up and I can't stay in a fairytale. Because you never marry your first love and nothing is forever. Only when you sleep and that's not enough. Because you'll spend the rest of your life trying to make fantasy into reality and you'll never know that the dream that you are dreaming is the past and not the future. It is a mocking memory of what you did have. Of what happiness was. Of what life was.
So close your eyes, young dreamer, nothing last forever.
I love him when I am settled in another time and place. I love him when I am holding someone else. I love him 550 miles away. I love him. I love him.