This New Boy
And I think I like this boy more than I should. More than I should allow myself. It's strange to have a crush. I haven't had one in the longest time because I was with Scott for so long ...and even now, even after all this time, the times when we spend months not speaking, I am still in love with him. I thought for the longest time that I didn't love him anymore but I do. That's why I hurt to convince myself that I don't. That's why I spent forever building a technique to be okay when he leaves. Because it hurts everytime he does. Everytime. He does it so often because I don't know how to say 'no,' when he tells me that he needs me. Because I need him to need me. Because I would have loved him forever if he asked me to. That I probably will love him forever but he'll never ask me to. And I know why. I know why.
And if there was nothing else that I learned this year, in and out of school, I learned how to cope. I learned how to deal with pain. I learned how to make things okay and hide the pain deep down inside. I learned this, this year.
This new boy that I like I have mentioned before here but I won't say his name. Because I won't like him for long. Because I never like boys for that long. And I think this is a good thing because when I do like someone for long, that makes it real. And I want it to be real. That's why I won't make the first move unless I compelled by uncontrollable lust. And in that case, I will jump on you. Especially intoxicated.
But I will admit that I like him a lot. But I won't do anything about it, not really anyway. Not fowardly anyway. Because I am still in love with another boy who has my heart hidden underneath his jacket pocket. Who still whispers so-so under his breath and breaks them. So he broke my heart. So what? It's my only one. I need it back. Let me mend it if you aren't. Give me back the ability to love someone, if you won't let me love you. If you don't want me to.
I like this boy and he asked for my number on friday and called me saturday. I like this boy and he sits next to me in creative writing and he is just so goofy. And he makes me smile. And makes me want to go to school. And he reminds me of Scott in so many ways. It's incredible. It's uncanny. Freaky. Scary.
He is Scott so long ago. And that is why. That is why.