Too much
It's been a long time and I know it. And I don't make apologies so forget about having me make one for my absence.
I remember in the beginning of the year I wanted time to speed up because I didn't want to spend a minute longer than I had to in this place... this place.
And now, everything is just moving too fast for me to catch up. I'm chasing something and I can't remember what it is. I can only see the outline of whatever it is that I am pursing blindly. I feel like I'm running around in circles.
I've just changed so fucking much I don't know what to do with myself. Because I can't do what I normally do because that would just be out of character now. I'm so different that everything that I do feels new. Like I've never done it before.
I guess I'm just trying to make excuses for my mistakes this past year that I can't erase. It's just that my family and school life is all jumbled up in somet fuckin game and there's no way I can win.
It's just that I've been so fuckin' laidback about everything and now knowing that I hurt all the while that I just can't find the motivation to change even though I want to. And it makes me sick to my stomach to think that I just don't want to change that badly enough.
I'll come back later. I need to clear my thoughts first.