I'm taking a break from studying from finals. And I am just tired as hell. I'm getting headaches from cramming. I guess I'm just trying to compensate from my lack of effort all year which is obvious in my grades. I guess I'm trying to make up for my shameful score on the ACTs. I guess I think that things make a difference when you try really hard. But I know nothing changes even when you do a 180 to make amends for pass wrongs.

I'm just dissapointed in the way I've handled this year. I can't believe all the things that I've done or lack thereof. I question the quality of myself. Despite it all, I know that I am a good person but when I have to list my good traits I fall short. I shake my head at the thought of this. I'm just so different from whom I use to be. I'm doing my best to cope with all of this change. I'm even trying to change the way I write. I'm trying to become a better person in all aspects of my life. I'm trying to correct everything that I do that way I'll be someone that I am proud to be, maybe then I won't fall short of my good qualities.

It's just every movement I make feels brandnew. The way I tilt my head or the way I scratch my back feels so foreign. I feel older, like my actual body feels older. I've never experienced that before. This is the first year, on my birthday, when I thought to myself that something does feel different, that I do feel older. As I sit here right now, I feel just strange. So very strange.

My back hurts and I should go back to studying. Later.

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