I'm just trying to understand what is going on in my life right now. I've never had so much going on in around me and inside all at the same time. & I can just push it away by not caring. I can just sit here and pretend like none of it happened but I need to grow up. I need to just stop living for myself. There is more to life than my own happiness. I need to realize that being a hedonist might be one of the factors screwing me over. I need to see past the lenghth of my eyelashes. I need to wake up. Grow up. Be mature.

I don't know where to start because there is so much to say. There are so many things. God, so many things. So let's start somewhere.

Anywhere. Let's begin.

For the past few months I've been doing my best to salvage what little trust and respect my parents had of me. One day I went up to my mother while she was sitting on the couch resting, I sat beside her and said: "I'm sorry. I know that doesn't help right now. I know that this past year has been unforgivable and unforgettable. There are things we both wish we hadn't said. I'm not making excuses. I just want to let you know that someday I will ask for your forgiveness. Not now. Not tomorrow. I don't know when. The wound is still fresh. But know that I am sorry and I will my best to make up for it. And I love you." I hugged her and walked away.

And I'll leave it like that for now. 'Cause that moment is important. And I don't want to add any more to this entry to decrease it's importance.