I should really be dong my homework but procrastination has become my number one for this year. And all I can think about are other things than just doing some math problems or studying for my American Government test. I find myself right here in this blank square of white once more trying to give you an account of all the things that you have missed. And I know I won’t be able to fill all the gaps considering all the time that has passed and the details will fall short. But I guess you need to know something. But I can’t even remember how to start an entry much less finish one or even find the substance to fill one. So these words are as far as they are going to go. Because I’ve sort of lost my direction with words all together. All these jumbled up words just sound funny somehow; and none of it fits. How do I begin? What do I say? And all of this seems just so pointless. Because writing just reminds me of how I can’t write anymore. And all of this is just wrong because I don’t want to be reminded of my faults.

So I’ll speak in riddles because I’m good at that. And you can be the interpreter and make up whatever reality in your head of me. You can think that I am a princess from the land whatever magical land you choose. I can be a munchkin gardening the yellow brick road. I could be a secret agent for the British government. The kid who bags your groceries. Or maybe I could be just some girl living in the land of normality and American society. Whichever, you choose. Whichever, you prefer. That way I won’t feel bad if I don’t tell you everything or I forget to tell you the details in my retellings. If you make up who I am I don’t have to. And I could be whatever you wanted me to be.

08.13.2004.
Are you ready to go? Do you have all your things? …I love you, May May. Never forget that.
I know. I’m leaving my suitcases by the door.

08.15.2004.
It’s nice to meet you; thank you for taking my daughter in.
(Shakes hands)
Thank you for the dinner, Dr. Miguel.
(Shakes hands)
(After dinner) Mae-an, Mitchell, May-May: Let’s watch a movie tonight. We'll meet you back at the hotel later, Mom and Dad. We're going to have an M-cubed night before we're all seperated ...again.

08.16.2004.
Be good.
I will.
I love you.
I love you too.
Be good.
I know.
Promise?
Promise.
I love you.
I love you too.
Be good.
Mom, I know.

The car door shuts and I can my feel my moms tears on my shoulder. And I stand in the middle of the driveway watching them leave. And the memory of my brother shutting the door and his face right before he shut it. And the way my dad squeezed me and didn’t look back. And the way my sister she smiled and had that strong face on. And how everything was all over. And all the things that I wanted the most were supposedly given to me. But I watched the only people that truly loved me in this world drive away respecting my wishes. Repeats of last year flashed in a microsecond in my mind. And I walked back up to my new room and shut the door. And started to unpack. School started the next day.

08.16.04
Oh my god, May-Fucking-Miguel.
...Welcome back.

08.18.04.
Ring.
(Hangs up after first ring)
...Breathe, May.
(...A second later) Ring.
Hello?
Did someone just call here?
Yes.
Who is this?
…
Hello?
I just wanted to see how you were doing.
…May?
Yes.
…
Scott?
Yes?
It's been a while.
I know.

And that's it for right now because that's as far as I can go, that's as much as I can share. Breathe.

Last Next