Pray For Me
It's pretty early but I wanted to get this right. It's way past my bedtime but I can't sleep. And lying in my bed only induces tears. So, I'm just thinking that there are things that need to be said before I close in within myself. Let me say all the things I need to say in at least one sentence because nothing of right now will make sense if I don't.
I fell in love with him again.
And I guess it happened all too fast to remember. I guess I can't really explain because I can never make my mind up about him. When I do, and I think that it's permanenet, something happens. And I happen to revert back and forth just to be with him. I always end up making exceptions.
But not this time.
I'm saying up until now since the beginning of this school year once more ...we've been together. And it's been a mistake so far. But it never felt like it. And I never knew it. And if I did, I never made it tangible by writing it or saying it aloud. Because he did the 100%+ and I never felt more loved by him in these last few months. And I'm thinking to myself I sounded just as giddy as I did in my ndslotesse diary when I first met him on 4.24.02 at 7:30 in the Our Lady of Presentation classroom for our first ever (Catholic) Confirmation meeting.
I'm saying it needs to end now. So I had to get it out in the only place that ever listened. That way I won't run back to him. I'm saving my heart the ache. And I'm opening my eyes. And letting myself breathe. I need to vindicate myself.
I wish I could go back in time and write every day and tell you how wonderful he is. I would make jokes about our laughter. I would write poetry about our tears. I would tell you all the times he saved me from myself. And held me crying. I would tell you all about our two-hour phone conversations every night. I would tell you about how we always met up after school, before he went to work, at the Wendy's parking lot. And we would drive around or grab a bite to eat. And kiss a little. That way it would hold us both until at 9:00 in the evening when I got to hear the three words that could break me. And I guess after these seven months of hearing it... it broke me and I made it tangent. And I'm showing you the aftermath of hearing those words that could make anyone fall to their knees.
I'm saying that despite how much I hurt right now I love him even more than I did sophomore and junior year when I use to cry every night about him. Because I now know for sure that he does the same in his own way when we get into a fight. I know because when I dream about him at night I'm not alone because he always manages to be there. And we are together fighting dragons and going to college and doing all the other things that my subconscious can fathom in one night. And the next morning all I can do is smile while I brush my teeth because I didn't have to be without him during the night despite how we sleep in seperate beds thirty minutes away from each other. I'm saying he does his best now. That he stays this time. And the funny thing is, I won't. Because I'm saving both of us from next year. I'm saving us from our future fights and our future heartaches and everything in between. I'm saying that I'm really not strong as strong as I thought I was. I'm not strong enough to say good-bye again four days after I graduate and my parents take me back to chicago. I'm saying I don't think I can handle it. And it's getting in the way of how we are now. And I don't want to ruin something perfect. I don't want to forget but I don't want to remember. It's all hard to explain but all of it makes sense to someone who has fallen in and out of love with the same (first) person infinity times. And that's how much I love him, infinity. And he is my best-friend. Truly and deeply. And I'm not just saying that because he is my first love and I want you to badly believe how tangent I'm making this. He really is. And I don't know what to do with myself because I'm not only losing my first love but the closest thing I have outside of my family. I'm losing everything over and over again for the fifieth time. And I'm trying to hold in my tears and praying. Just praying. Because I don't know what else to do.
Pray for me.