So thursday night was the start of my senior year spring break. While all of my friends are at Puerto Vallarta and Playa down in Mexico, I'm stuck here still in 913. This is just ironic in the sense that I came down here for my springbreak last year when I missed everyone so much. But the point is I'm jealous 'cause my friends are in a sunny hot gorgeous place drinking away the days without me. But what matters most is that Scott is here and decided to stay with me instead of going to Puerto. But, I sure can't wait when next week comes rolling around and I hear the neverending-told over and over again-drunk ass-fun-stories about springbreak. I'm just trying my best not to be pooped about all this 'cause I always feel like I'm on the outside.

Senior year is ending pretty fast and I'm just trying to catch my breath amidst all the of the things going on in my life. It's just that here it is: I'm going to college next year. And when you really think about it I'm just a half a step further, if not more, than the rest of my peers, because I've made it without my parents for an entire school year. And it's not all that it's cracked up to be. First off, because I still have to live under the rules of another's parents, so the independence factor is somewhat limited. Which leads me to actually still have a curfew and have to abide by rules that hold me back instead of set me free. But I'm grateful nonetheless because they took me in. I guess it's just not perfect and I was silly to think that moving back would be. But I understand so many more things now since I did. And I've grown up in a way that not may people have realized because they forget that I don't live with my family anymore. That 550 miles is how far away I am from the dinner table. And that months have passed and things are more bearable but no less sad being apart from the only people who know me-know me. I guess I just miss my family a lot. Times like this when it's springbreak and I sleep until 1:00 the afternoon and not get out off bed until 2:30 just because I have more time than I know what to do with. I wake up and I realize that I can't go downstairs and have my mom make me cheesy scrambled eggs with sausauge and bacon. And I won't find my brother and sister all sprawled infront of the T.V. And my Dad won't be in the library playing his computer games. It's just been so long that I forget how sad I can really get thinking about all of these things.

Defense mechanisms is the only way to go. Because that's what we all do when we hurt. And we don't want to cry anymore. But sometimes, when I'm alone and there's no one around to see my like this, I test my threshold. I let myself remember and become vulnerable to how young I really am. That not having your mom there to make you breakfast or give you hugs can really change a person. And dinner table time is what I use to look forward to when I was a kid and I never knew it. When my brother and sister and I would sit and watch cartoons until my parents would call and say that it was time to eat. And we would all sit at the table like a family. And just talk. And talking was important because at times like that we were a real picture perfect family. And we were in love with each other. Because we were all we had. And that's what really made sense to me.

I'm trying my best to be okay with all of this. I'm trying hard to be okay with next year and how hard growing up can really be. And how I grew up way too fast. And being a little kid again is so far away. And how I keep thinking that everything will go back to being normal. And that my parents will wake me up from this dream. That I'm still in my yellow house with the red door back in Lee's Summit. I'm still in my room with the white walls and the lilac flowers. And my entire family will be there. And we'll all be under the same roof, instead of scattered throughout the midwest with miles between us. And my life would make sense again.

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