So this is the beginning of the end. And as dramatic as that sounds (or as cliche), it's about as true as it gets. Invincibility finally wore itself down and I'm finally legal. I can buy cigarettes and porn and die for my country. And this makes me an adult.

I'm feeling waaaay too nostalgic for my own good right now. I just get in these mood swings where I get really sentimental. I can't help it. It must be both of my X chromosomes. It must be the music I'm listening to. It must be because today was the last day of my last real week of high school. And everything has to end with 'last'; and it all just feels too final. It must be because tomorrow is the REAL PROM, Scott's prom, supposedly what I've been dreaming of since I was six. And high school is just winding down. I forgot to get a boutanierre and I hope I remember because tomorrow will be very busy and go by faster than I can probably keep up with.

And now the feeling is gone because I let it slip away. I didn't want to keep it. The point is I just get sad sometimes and I don't know why. It is the lonely feeling. The kind that you get when the entire house is quiet when you come home on your birthday or for christmas. The kind where you just don't know what to say. That's it. That's the only way I know how to describe it.

Yesterday, I turned 18. And I can feel it. Just like the way I felt it last year. I feel the difference. I think it might be because I progessively gain 10 Ibs a year. Gravity is the reason.

I just noticed I speak in fragments. And I guess that's nothing new because everyone speaks in fragments. I guess the only reason why I care is because I'm going to college next year and they won't accept that. I can see it now, all of my essays will be with fragment. fragment. independent clause.

Am I ready?

I hope so. I don't want the past 18 years to be a waste. Come on now. I had to have made something of myself by now. It's strange to be old. All my life, the awy I've seen it is everyone else is either too young or too old. I always stayed the same. And now it is different. The point is now I realize that is how everyone sees everyone. They are the center of their universe. Everyone is moving around them.

Today is 05.05.05 and it Scott's unofficial skip day. He told me he wasn't sure whether or not he was going to skip because it is almost impossible to skip at his school; they are so anal about things like that. I'm glad he didn't go because he has skipped enough school. The thing is I think this date has a lot of meaning for someone like me. For the people of my age and my year. Because this as symbolic as it gets.

Senior 2005. Graduate. May Miguel. Soon to Pre-Med. Blah. Blah. Blah. The story of my life.

What I've learned: Don't have high expectations that way you'll never be let down. Being suprised about something mediocre can still feel great. It's about being caught off gaurd. You know what I mean.

I'm sure the novelty is going to wear off. I'm sure that buying things off ebay and applying for credit cards is going to get old. But for today, I felt quite giddy going into Priscilla's Sex Shop. And I bought myself a few goodies just for the hell of it. Just because I could. And it made me feel old. But as I was walking around, I thought to myself how they really should raise the level to the drinking age, because I was laughing my ass off in there. Penis flavored chocolate? Does the penis have a taste? C'mon now.

I'm feeling better now. And nothing seems as sad. I'm just confronted with a few projects and essays that I have to write by tomorrow and it's getting late.

It's a monument of a birthday. And I'm fucking right there. I'm legal, baby, and lovin' it.

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