This is what Chicago does for me. It makes me lonely and it makes me sad. But not as sad as you think. Just calm and quiet. Just the detached kind of way.

Scott and I broke up.

Again. Again. Again.

And this is no suprise to me. So this should be no suprise to you. I miss him a lot and still love him.

Brokenhearts are hard to get over. But let me tell you that as much as my heart has been broken by him, this is by far the least painful. I know because I've turned into mush because of him. I know because my heart has been attached to him throughout my entire highschool career. And this is not the first time that we've broken up. And seeing how these four years are over and I'm starting a new chapter of my life. I can honestly say I'm not as sad as I probably should be.

I've come to the conclusion it is because of my nightmares. Throughtout my entire senior year I often would have nightmares of me dying. Frequently perhaps at least every week. It's kind of like a horror flick, when the camera falls and the camera crashes to the floor and the blood drips over the camera lens. About that time, I usually wake up. There's nothing left to dream if you're dead.

But what saved is the explaination that came from my friend and my father. He said that he use to have these dreams after he graduated and right before he went to college. And my father said that usually you have these nightmares when you are going through a dramatic transition, when you are changing drastically. And I guess that I am.

I dream about him every night now instead. He's always making a cameo appearance, but he's never the main story. He comes in and out, and I see him once. And in my dreams as he passes by and we are locked in a dead stare, it's all in slow motion, and I'm not breathing. And then it's over and the dream continues. It's always like this.

I've come to the conclusion that my dreams are like this because this is how my life is going to be like in the future. He is always going to make cameos in my life. I know this because I love him too much to lose him permanently. Even if we don't speak for weeks, or even months, or tragically, even years. He will be there. For always. And not the 'spiritual' kind, where I'm trying to get all cliche because 'he'll be in my heart shit and he'll be wherever I go'. No. He'll be there because I need him. Because we will always have each other's phone numbers and addresses. Because I know for a fact that we feed each other, challenge each other, and bring out the best out of one another. Because he is my best friend and he knows me better than I know myself. What more could I ask for? How could I find this in someone else... the way I see it in him? Yes, we might not always be lovers. But, we'll always be in love. And yes, we'll always be jealous of anothers love life. Because we will always believe that we are the center of it. So seeing someone else trying to take our place will not only cause us heartache but insanity. But this is what we decided. This is the conclusion that we've come to.

I love Scott.

Plain and simple. No questions about it. No fucking strings attached. He is the little dot of sand now. He is the boy that I first fell in love with. He is the boy that I still call in the middle of the night when I get lonely. He is still that boy with the dark hair and hazel eyes and that goofy laugh that could break down all my barriers.

Now let me tell you, that first loves are probably the hardest relationships ever to endure. But take the chance, even if it's a mistake, it's worth making.

Last Next