The point is I’m writing this while on Microsoft Word because it’s the longest day of the year which explains why Diaryland’s busiest journaling hours is extending itself for longer than the regular four hours. I’m sitting in the lower left hand corner, next to the window and curtains of the library, with the keyboard on my lap and the monitor slightly tilted on a coffee table. I’m drinking water from a water bottle and listening to Jewel on repeat. Noticing my father from the corner of my eye eating and staring at the other computer screens in silence. And all I’m wondering is what is he thinking and should I ask? But I’m left to my thoughts only because I don’t want to hear my voice anymore. If that makes any sense.

It’s been exactly two weeks and a day since Scott and I had a fight and decided that it would be easier not to be together. We justified it because we won’t be living in the same state or going to the same college. This is logical, rational, and the only way to live.

And my heart is telling me that I hardly feel alive. But the point is, my heart is starting to heal. And it is just scared of letting go. I know that this may sound stupid or insignificant but I received an e-mail from one of my friends. And it caught me off guard. It reminds me of when I was younger and I put a lot of emphasis on the Internet. When I use to be obsessed and all I would do is spend the entire day in chat rooms, instant messaging, and browsing e-mails. When I use to be a winner. Heh. I just remember I use to paste these e-mails that use to move me. I had dozens of e-mails full of beautiful quotes that use to inspire me. This is when I was really into writing and being profound and going through what people call that ‘phase’ that all teenagers go through. I’m losing myself in a tangent right now. The point is I read an e-mail that my friend sent me that made all the difference. And don’t you just love modern technology---that you’re friend can reach you with miles in-between an actual glance or exchanged phrase.

My mind is slow but working. I’m just trying to make this perfect without effort. But that is failing. Look at the way I have too many thoughts in the above paragraph. The way I’m writing what I think---as soon as I think it. And how it isn’t as interesting as when I organize my words and plan what I say? The point is I don’t care right now and getting an A on this entry is not a necessity; no one is grading it but me.

And I give myself an A.

The other day when no one was home on a late Saturday afternoon I placed my sister’s old CD made from a different life time in the down stairs stereo system. I let the house vibrate with No Doubt and Jewel. It was the first two songs and I really didn’t get past the third after 20 seconds because I just wanted to listen to these first two songs that took me to another place.

No Doubt took me to place that I was trying to avoid. Whenever Scott called there were two songs that would play. It was a toss up between No Doubt and the Counting Crows. It was usually the first because he usually called from his cell phone. And the latter was when he didn’t want to waste his pik-time minutes.

Me
I’m the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most
I’m so sorry that I’m falling
Help me up lets keep on running
Don’t let me fall out of love

After I let the Gwen Stefani’s voice take away my barrier. And I was sitting on the floor, staring out the window, leaning against the railing of the staircase. The sun was setting and all I could think about was how I could let the song actually finish. And as it did, Jewel crooned me with her version of lover’s denial.

I saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy and I was sad
It made me miss you oh so bad

And right now. I’m at that part. So take me there. I’m listening to it. And it’s not breaking my heart as it should be. And I’ll tell you why.

This is why.

They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would [no doubt] have continued with us: but [they went out], that they might be made manifest that they were not all of us. [1 John 2:19]

The e-mail.

There are people who can walk away from you.
Hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you: "Let them walk."

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,
loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying
attached to you.

I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them
walk.

Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The e-mail.

People leave you because they are not joined to you.
If they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go. It doesn't mean that they are a bad person
it just means that their part in the story is over.

You've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that
you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's
dead.

You've got to know when it's over.

Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

And Jewel is so opposite from this e-mail. But the contradiction is refreshing. And I’m trying to be okay and I’m trying to pick out my own truth from all these signs. But the thing is I’m not sure if I exactly believe in signs. Half because I believe people choose what they see and the other half because that is the first movie Scot and I saw as a couple.

The point is I’m going to try and let go. You’ve heard this before. So have I. But the new difference is this line: I’m hoping that this is the last time I will ever write an entry like this.

And that has made all the difference.

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